The Luv Doc: Doesn’t Love Dogs

Dear Luv Doc,

After nearly 20 years of blissful marriage, my wife recently blindsided me with an announcement that we are now "dog people." This meant that not only were we going to get a dog, but also that I am now expected to feel deeply, emotionally moved by the mere glimpse of a canine. However – and she knows this very well – I don't give a fuck about dogs. They move me about as much as a dinner plate, but take a lot more work. My wife is horribly disappointed by this attitude, but I cannot manufacture feelings. My friends love dogs and have no sympathy for me. How wrong am I in this? Am I supposed to try and change? How do I keep her happy while maintaining my integrity?
- Doesn't Love Dogs

I like that we've established that you're a soulless psychopath right out of the gate. That's a huge time-saver. A lot of psychopaths will try to employ some shamelessly transparent subterfuge like, "I prefer cats," or, "Shouldn't we spend more money, time, and energy on our children?" or, "I'm too busy with my Instagram posts and CrossFit classes to rescue a paraplegic English bulldog with IBS, cataracts, overactive salivary glands, and a dead tooth." Right. Like people don't already know you're a monster. You know what excuses are? They're the mental crawl spaces where psychopaths hide the drifter corpses of their psychopathy. I know that's probably putting it too mildly, but I'm not trying to piss off a bunch of psychopaths. I saw four years of that action during the Trump administration. It's not for me.

Before I get too deeply into the nuts and bolts of your dilemma, let me first offer my sincere condolences to your aggrieved wife. No one should have to suffer through 20 years of marriage to someone unable to manufacture feelings. Have you literally never taken an acting class? Did you burn out your amygdala in your 20s listening to My Chemical Romance? Why were you listening to My Chemical Romance in your 20s? Is it because you were still deeply traumatized by the ending of My Dog Skip? Dude, I get it. That was arguably Frankie Muniz's best acting work ... well, until he decided to become a NASCAR driver.

I hate to break it to you, but audibly, vehemently professing a lack of emotion about something is a pretty decent sign you actually do care. Making that "lack of emotion" an integral part of your integrity as a human being is kind of like being an outspoken anti-gay preacher. Sooner or later someone is going to notice that you spend a suspicious amount of time in men's room stalls tapping your foot. You can do the same thing with dogs, but usually when you tap your foot around a dog, it means you dropped some food. Bringing it to their attention is a sign of love and affection. How great is that? You don't even have to bend over!

Here's the deal: Just because your wife gets a dog doesn't mean you can't still have a psychopathic indifference to America's second-favorite mammal. Just keep it to yourself – like if for some reason you love pineapple pizza ... or masturbating to pictures of Marjorie Taylor Greene. Nobody needs to know. In fact, they don't want to know, so keep that shit bottled up. Your wife has endured 20 years of your clearly fragilely constructed integrity. I'd say she deserves some indulgence. Plus, the nice thing about pretending to love a dog is that you usually only have to do it for about 15 years, tops. Hopefully by then you will have mastered how to fake-cry.