The Luv Doc: Bullies With Benefits

Dear Luv Doc,

I grew up in a medium-sized small town in Texas, but moved away to go to college – and lived in California until I moved to Austin for a job opportunity a few years ago. Since coming back to Texas I have been more regularly in touch with my hometown friends, mostly through social media. I go back home on holidays occasionally, but usually I only see my family. Recently a friend tagged me in a social media post that included an invite to a benefit for a former classmate who had a bad motorcycle wreck while drunk and, due to the severity of his injuries and the length of his stay in the hospital, can't afford to pay his medical bills. I know it has been a while, but I can't believe my friend doesn't remember how badly this guy used to pick on me when we were growing up. I would say he is the one person from my hometown I hated the most and one of the reasons I was eager to get out of there. When I DM'd my friend to remind him how much I hated this guy and that I wouldn't be attending the benefit, he said I need to grow up and stop holding grudges about stuff that happened years ago. Then he made a not-too-cryptic post on his page saying some people "can't let go of the past." Now I am trying to decide whether I should call him and defend myself or stop talking to him altogether. It really wouldn't change my life one way or the other. So, do you think I need to grow up or is my friend out of line?– Not Attending

One of the best ways to let go of the past is to leave it entirely. That works pretty well for most people. Even in medium-sized small towns there is often an existing social hierarchy that is nearly impossible to overcome. It's awfully hard to unseat the Monty Burnses of the world when they own half of Springfield and then, unlike Montgomery Burns, have the gall to procreate and pass it on to their often insufferable children. There is an undeniable feudalist vein that runs through small-town America that keeps our cities well-stocked with ambitious, hardworking, previously disenfranchised provincials whose forefathers probably fought and died so their children wouldn't have to take shit from some poncy, soft-handed, bipolar hemophiliac with a god complex. I know that may have sounded like a thinly veiled reference to Donald Trump, but I was actually referring to King George III – and others of his ilk.

You were smart to get out while the getting was good. Your banged-up biker bully probably recognized your potential early on and, as bullies are wont to do, tried to tamp it down before you got a true sense of your self-worth. You were probably just innocently showing early signs of a potentially deep and impressive intelligence. That must be both intimidating and infuriating to people who are always struggling desperately to keep up – again, not talking about Trump – so I imagine your bully secretly knew his days were numbered. He might have sensed on some subliminal level that you would one day end up being his boss at the Walmart. Perhaps his special gift was his ability to inspire you to greater things. That's definitely putting lipstick on a pig, and in no way am I saying that the ends justify the means, but I bet you're glad you didn't end up managing your ex-bully at a Walmart.

So, before you go too hard on your hometown friend for not understanding why you can't make peace with your ex-bully, it might be good to understand that he probably had to, because that's exactly the kind of shit you have to swallow when you stick around even a medium-sized small town. I know there's a tinge of Stockholm syndrome to it, but rest assured that somewhere down the line your friend had to make peace with this dude – if only to maintain his peace and sanity. In his mind, you got lucky, and I bet he can't understand why you don't understand that.

That said, your instinct to simply move on with your life is a healthy one, but sometimes it helps to find a way to move on mentally as well. Usually that's done with compassion and empathy, which aren't always the easiest feelings to summon. The good news is you clearly won this war even if you lost a lot of early battles. Don't let this busted up biker bully you out of an old friendship as well. Call your friend and explain how you feel.