The Luv Doc: Google Ghost Tinder Date

Dear Luv Doc,

Yesterday I was having lunch with a friend and she casually said that she had a Tinder date with a guy who was attractive and seemed nice and polite, but didn't talk much about himself or his family or friends. The only thing she could get out of him was that he worked "in government," which it says on his Tinder profile. After the date, she Googled him and found absolutely nothing about him, BUT she says she is still going to go on another date with him. I told her she was going to end up chained in a basement. She laughed and said I was being overly dramatic. I told her I was being sane and reasonable and that she needs to find a guy who at least has a LinkedIn profile. Who doesn't have a LinkedIn profile? Am I wrong or is she crazy?

 –FeelFreeToGoogleMe

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While I am absolutely unqualified to clinically diagnose your friend as crazy, I can say with a decent amount of certainty that you're not wrong. Even I have a LinkedIn profile, although I'm pretty sure that I'm straight-up fucked if I ever have to use it to seek gainful employment – which in this robust industry could be as early as sometime next week. In my defense, who knew back in 2010 that LinkedIn wouldn't shit the bed like MySpace and Friendster? I mean, for Christ's sake, they didn't even allow animated GIFs! BORing! How are you going to figure out whether you're going to hire someone from a site where everyone's profile pic looks like a production still from American Psycho? Count me out. You just know one of those motherfuckers is hiding a power drill in his file cabinet. Who even has file cabinets these days? I'll tell you: people hiding power drills. That's who. Well, except me. I have a filing cabinet that contains an unopened bottle of locally made "whiskey," some rat droppings, and a homemade beer bong that seemed like a good idea sometime back in the Aughts. I may be unemployable but at least I'm not a fucking psycho.

I don't even have to look at her LinkedIn profile pic to know that your friend is at least mildly unhinged, which is why I am not going to recommend buying her a Glock to take along on her next date, even though Governor Roomba and his moronic minions made it totally legal in 2021. That said, I don't think some brass knuckles (also legal) and an industrial-sized can of pepper spray would be a terrible idea, especially given that there is a reasonable chance this dude works for the CIA ... or the mob ... or both, which wouldn't be unprecedented. Yes, I know that makes me sound crazy, but ... well ... Google it. It's well documented – unlike your friend's Google ghost Tinder date.

And look, I get it. Some people are private. Some people don't have a digital footprint. The good ones are easy to spot. They're usually wearing Carhartts and wellies, riding around on tractors, dipping snuff, or sitting on their tailgates drinking vodka slushies at the Sonic with their cousins on a Saturday night. You don't need to look them up on the interwebs because Sonics are always ridiculously well lit, just like the people drinking those slushies. The chat sessions are lit too, because drunk cousins can talk some serious bullshit. Park your ass next to those folks and you will learn every embarrassing thing they ever did since childbirth in the space of about 30 minutes. And if you think you're going to puke that Blue Raspberry Smirnoff into the Sonic ladies' room toilet, think again. That toilet has been out of order since 1983.

Some people had a digital footprint, but decided to erase it. Maybe they tried that Tide Pod Challenge. Maybe they took second place in a hot dog eating contest. Maybe they voted for Trump. You just never know, but that's OK, because you don't have to. All you need to know is that they have something to hide and that you need to keep your head on a swivel. I strongly urge you to urge your friend to only meet this guy at public places like police stations or hospitals until he has given her his full dossier – or better yet, taken her to drink vodka slushies with his cousins at the Sonic.