The Luv Doc: Flip Dictum

Dear Luv Doc,

I have been in a midlevel management position at a financial services company for several years. During COVID we had significant turnover in our division and, as a result, in early 2021 began hiring a lot of new people as business ramped up again. One of those hires was a fellow manager who had recently quit his job at a West Coast marketing firm so that he could be closer to his ex and their children. He was very nice, polite, and charming at first, and even though his personal life (being divorced with children) was a bit of a red flag, he eventually talked me into going out. I know, I know … never date a co-worker … but I admit I was smitten. After dating for a few months that all changed. I quickly realized that although he was charming publicly, privately he was a self-absorbed narcissist who literally could not care about anything or anyone except himself. One of his most annoying/infuriating traits is that he refuses to apologize or ever admit he is wrong – even when it's obvious. I won't say that was the cause of our breakup, but it was just one thing in a much larger list. Since then I have been hearing about his behavior from his employees and other managers and inevitably, they come to me to complain, as if I have some secret that helps me deal with his arrogance. I do. It's called avoidance. Then last week I discovered that his department was responsible for a huge error that … again … he refused to acknowledge only this time it might possibly affect some of our co-workers' bonuses. I am afraid that if I don't speak up these people will lose their bonuses, but if I do speak up I will get dragged into a huge fight with him that will at the very least land me in HR or possibly even get me fired. I truly regret getting mixed up with this guy but I don't think it should cost me my job. It could be that no one will get in trouble for this error, but I don't know for sure. What would you do?

– Silent So Far

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Normally I would pop off with some flip dictum like "snitches get stitches," or "the tallest blade of grass gets cut first," but your ex sounds like someone who really needs to get got. Also – and I know this is an unforgivable non sequitur – Flip Dictum would make a really great porn star name. Yes, he is Latin, and yes, he's a top. My very sincere apologies to you and anyone else who had to endure that, but I have found over the years that I focus a lot better once I shake the bee out of the hive, so to speak. OK, back to your situation.

What a crippling moral dilemma! Speak up against an unrepentant asshole and risk losing your job or stay silent and be complicit in visiting injustice on the innocent. If you feel like you're the only one who knows how this feels, let me remind you that there are well over 4,000 people who work in the Texas Attorney General's Office. I'm betting that most of them could use a sympathetic ear every now and again … if not a full-on pep talk when they look in the mirror every morning. I've met a few and they're good people doing good work, but knowing that the head honcho is just a goon for nitwit Christian fundamentalists can't be healthy for anyone's self-esteem, even someone with a fancy law degree.

And there's the rub: You probably aren't going to change your ex's behavior. It's not like Greg Abbott won the governorship and suddenly turned into a mensch. Instead he thought, "Wow! This hayseed Bond villain thing is really working out for me! I think I'll shut down the border so the liberals can't have their avocado toast and then maybe I'll bus some immigrants up to New York City." See, Governor Roomba is just diabolical enough to know he can find a bus driver who needs the job badly enough to become an agent of injustice, even if an unhappy one. Those DPS folks and the Texas Guard who shut down the border were just doing their jobs, too. That doesn't mean they slept well at night.

Let me be clear: I am not blaming those people for wanting to keep their jobs, but I do want to point out that when assholes are the only ones willing to take bold action, assholes usually win. I know talk is cheap and armchair quarterbacks never throw interceptions, but regardless of my easy moralizing, you know what the right decision is, so go ahead and make it. No apologies. After all, you were looking for a job when you found this one.