The Luv Doc: Boob Size

Dear Luv Doc,

My boyfriend is an otherwise nice guy, but he teases me a lot about my boob size. I don't think he is trying to be mean, just playful, but sometimes he does it around our friends and it bothers me. The crazy thing is that I am average height (5'4") and average weight (130) and my bra size is 32B. I think he likes to pick on my boob size because he doesn't have anything else to complain about, plus both his sisters and his mom have big boobs, but it's still annoying sometimes and truthfully it is getting kind of old. How do I get him to STFU about my boobs?

– Don't Call Me Bubbles

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I have to admit I am a bit confused. The only person I ever met who was named "Bubbles" was a big ol' roughneck from Baytown who said his parents named him that because he used to fart a lot in the bathtub when he was a baby. For a long time I thought everyone was actually calling him "Bubba" until I called him that myself one night and he set me straight. In my defense, East Texas oil patch patois isn't the most easily intelligible vernacular. Let's just agree that Baytown is a strange fucking place – epecially if you're not snorting meth, smoking Kool unfiltereds, or missing a few crucial digits on your chain throwing hand. Of course, I have to admit the last time I set foot in Baytown was the late Eighties. For all I know it might be a coastal paradise these days.

Bubbles would probably be a cute name for a girl too, breast size notwithstanding. I have it on good authority that baby girls sometimes fart in the bathtub too, but tragically, even in this ruthlessly progressive era, girl farts are not celebrated with the gusto of their male counterparts. That's some fucked up shit for sure. Either you're delighted by fart bubbles or you're not. Gender shouldn't play into it in the least. Personally, while I am inclined to cut a baby some slack regarding its gaseous emissions, I don't think a celebration of same is exactly in order either. I kind of consider it borderline child abuse to saddle a newborn with a silly nickname for the rest of its life just because it can't control its sphincter underwater. Nonetheless, the Bubbles I knew didn't look like he caught a lot of ass whuppins.

Wait, oh yeah, we were talking about your breasts. Look, I am sure that your boyfriend is quite chuffed that he has found something to rib you about that doesn't visibly seem to piss you off. He might even think, "Wow! It's awesome that my girlfriend is so self-assured that I can tease her about her body." Maybe he even teases you because he is saying to everyone, "Look, she is confident enough to take it!" He must be so proud! Of course, the thing is, just because you can do something doesn't mean you should, and clearly your boyfriend lacks the wisdom/insight to understand that no matter how beautiful and confident you might be, he is still being a dick. Somebody needs to let him know that. You could wait for his big tittied sisters to speak up, but my guess is that they've already had ample opportunity. Your friends seem to be curiously mute as well, so it looks like you're in the batter's box.

Believe me, there are more awkward conversations you can have with your boyfriend. This one should be a cakewalk, but you are going to have to make sure you deliver your point with gravitas. Don't leave him any wiggle room. Let him know in no uncertain terms that your tits and all other contiguous body parts are no longer a topic for public conversation or even private criticism, no matter how hilarious or well intended. If he struggles with the concept in any way, you can always remind him that there are plenty of bigger penises in the world and yet you daily choose not to remind him of it. They say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but I can assure you that you can get there quicker through his penis, and you won't even have to penetrate the ribcage.