The Luv Doc: Low Libido

Dear Luv Doc,

Before the pandemic, me and my girlfriend used to have sex two or three times a week. Now we still see each other regularly, but the sex has slowed way down. Part of the reason for that is because her kids are home a lot more, but a bigger part of the problem is that the antidepressants I have been taking have lowered my libido to the point where I just don't have a lot of sexual drive. I can see that it's starting to affect our relationship. Even though I have told her I still love her, she sees my lack of sexual drive as rejection. I don't want to lose her over something I can't control. I have been through this before, and I know my libido will come back, but I can't say when. How can I get her to hang in there with me?

– Baggy Boxers

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First of all, switch to briefs. You don't want your junk clanging around down there like the Bells of St. Mary's just because you have some neurotic aversion to elastic. Your privates should never be out wandering the neighborhood like a latchkey kid or a free-range chicken. You never want to have to ask yourself, "Do I know where my junk is?" only to realize it's crawling out the gaping leg hole of your shorts when you pick up your toddler from day care. Boxer shorts are only appropriate for two occasions: frat parties and when you are too self-conscious to sleep naked. That's it. Otherwise, you save your money and just go commando.

Now, I think we can both agree that the sound of your flaccid penis slapping against your thigh probably isn't the only thing killing your libido. Antidepressants can definitely have a deleterious effect as well. Even though I'm not an actual doctor, I have read enough to confirm that is a fact, so I won't insult you by suggesting that you get with your physician and try to adjust your dosage or type of medication to achieve a more acceptable outcome. If you're doing OK mentally and are confident that the lull in your libido is a temporary thing, stick with the program. Remember: When the oxygen mask drops, you use it on yourself first and your penis second – or whatever it is you're trying to save.

But yes, it absolutely does suck that your sex drive has waned, and it's not hard to imagine that your girlfriend might be taking it personally. If you haven't already, explain to her as clearly and succinctly as you can why you think your sex drive has waned. Make sure she knows that it hasn't negatively affected your feelings for her or commitment to your relationship. Great! Now that that's out of the way, you need to know that talk is cheap and you're not getting off the hook that easily.

Your girlfriend is clearly feeling a lack of intimacy, and just because you're not breaking her spine every night with your rock-hard, jackhammer penis doesn't mean you can't share intimate moments that make her feel special. In fact, you can make her feel special and satisfy her needs without having any sex drive at all. You don't need a turgid member to perform cunnilingus. You have all the tools you need to both get her aroused and give her orgasms – and if you don't, buy some! Even still, I would be willing to bet that if you go down on her for 30 minutes or so three times a week, she will feel special and valued and closely connected to you. Plus, when your libido finally does come back, you'll be the happy recipient of her gratitude! Anyway, it's worth a try. Give it a couple of years to make sure it's working, though. Nobody likes a quitter.