The Luv Doc: Demon Sperm

Luv Doc,

I have been hearing a lot of talk about demon sex. How do I get in on that action? With this pandemic that might be the best loving/hating (?) I am going to get. Also, does my IUD protect me from getting impregnated by demon sperm? It doesn't seem like a demon would be the type to wear a condom, but I don't know because I am a demon virgin ... so far.

– Hot Blooded

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To my knowledge, no current IUD manufacturers claim their product is effective against demon sperm ... unless said demon is a fitness vlogger named Ronnie who wears nugget jewelry and rides a crotch rocket – in that case it's 0% effective against soul-crushing morning-after shame, but 99% effective against pregnancy. Nice to know you have that ace in your hole when you've had too many White Claws on a West Sixth bar crawl.

Demon-demon sperm though? Probably the best protection against that is the old pull and pray method – which I bet isn't going to go over too well with most demons. Plus I am not exactly sure how much demon semen you can expect. My guess is that it's somewhere between a modest belly button-full and the Shamu splash zone at SeaWorld. You should also expect actual fire to shoot out of something, because otherwise why even bother being a demon? Regardless, the important thing is to cover your eyes because you just know demons don't GAF about venereal diseases. You don't want to have to show up for your Monday morning Zoom meeting with the ojo del diablo from a couple of bucketfuls of errant, herpetic, demon ejaculate.

Now, as far as cruising for demon hookups, "experts" say you need to tap that astral plane. I may be a fake doctor, but that doesn't necessarily mean I am an expert on fake everything. Fortunately, my years – nay, decades of online research training led me to a website called "Google," which in turn led me to a website called ErinPavlina.com, where a woman named Erin Pavlina – who incidentally looks like a housewife from Plano – gave me the lowdown on all things astral. Truly, I feel like I could spend all of my corporeal day in this treasure trove of all things metaphysical, but let's get down to the nitty gritty because we only have so much time before we shuffle off our mortal coils, don't we?

First things first: The astral plane is "an entirely different plane of existence" where your "body can't follow, but your soul can travel at will." I'm not sure that rates as a compelling tourist brochure but it does pique my interest. In the astral plane, there are many levels, one of which is the corporeal level, which you can also visit while astrally projecting your soul. OK, this is where it gets juicy – or spermy as the case may be. As an astral being you have a lot of sexual options. You can have sex with a corporeal being (i.e. a bag of meat, fat, bones and organs like you and me), another astral being (someone out cruising the astral plane like yourself), or you can have sex with a "demon or other low-vibrational entity."

OK, so here's the good news/bad news about demon sex. According to Erin, "If you're a woman, having sex with a demon or astral entity will feel like someone stimulating the g-spot of every single one of your chakras at the same time." Downside: Demon sex is addictive and sucks out your energy over time, and that can "manifest as apathy towards the real world or real love, and depression, anxiety, and sometimes shame, fear and suicidal thoughts."

On the issue of demon sperm, Erin says it's not a problem. "You don't have to worry about contraception!" (That's her exclamation point not mine.) So you can chill about the demon sperm. And lastly, if you are thinking you might want to astral project and do a reverse cowgirl on the corporeal Idris Elba, make sure you have his permission. According to Erin Pavlina, having non-consensual astral sex with a meat puppet constitutes "astral rape and that's not cool," so unless you have consent, keep it in your astral pants. OK then, that's about all the complete bullshit I can regurgitate in one column, hope it helps!