The Luv Doc: Your Superpower

Dear Luv Doc,

In October, the man I had been living with for two years and who I thought was the love of my life broke up with me because he needed "a change." It has been four months and the pain is still unbearable. I think about him every day. I honestly thought we were perfect for each other, and I can't imagine I will ever find someone who could replace him. I can't stop obsessing about him. I know I need to snap out of this, but how do I do it?

– Love(actually)Sick

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First of all, even though every fiber of my being wants to trivialize your situation for comedic effect, I am going to stand down because what you're going through is really hard, and even the most brilliant of ripostes would probably fall flat. What I can tell you is this: There are a lot of good lessons to be gained from your anguish, but the most important one is to know that you have the ability to deeply love someone. Even though it might not seem like it right now, that ability isn't going to disappear just because this guy left you. In fact, it's more likely that you are going to find someone entirely different and better – someone who, believe it or not, you will love even more.

Whether you realize it or not, right now your mind is making an unconscious inventory of the things that are really important in your life. Try and pay attention to that. Try to understand that loving the "way he smiled" might just mean simply that you want to be with someone who smiles, or that missing him singing in the shower just means you appreciate someone who enjoys music. That's good information.

I am not going to try to tell you that you can learn to love anyone, but in fact, studies have actually shown that most people are willing to overlook some serious flaws as long as they are getting what they need from a relationship. You're not going to fall for every guy who sings in the shower: Statistically at least one of those guys is going to be a Red Hot Chili Peppers fan. What I am saying is that paying attention to those things that brought you joy might, in the long run, help you find the joy you are missing.

It's going to take a while though ... and a lot of mindfulness, and a realization that some of the joy you got from your boyfriend you can actually provide for yourself. The stuff that you can't provide? Well, at least you'll know what that is, and my bet is that you'll discover even more stuff that brings you joy when you meet someone new – very likely while pursuing the things that bring you joy.

So, to that end, as hard as it might seem, go out into the world and seek those things that bring you joy. Accept all invitations. Join all the groups. Hit the gym. Take some cooking classes (because everyone should know how to feed themselves), and by all means, block your ex on all social media channels because right now you need a clear head – one that he doesn't live in. Lastly, I encourage you to find what you love and love it even if it doesn't love you back. That is your superpower, and no one can take it away from you.