The Luv Doc: Drunk Booty Call

Dear Luv Doc,

Guy came to my drunk booty call, spent the night, no sex, then we made out, and he went down on me the next morning. He went home dry. Never tried/pushed at anything else. ... What the F does he want? (We dated briefly before, and he dumped me.) – DBC

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Here's what I'm thinking, DBC: He dumped you because you're fucking crazy, and conventional wisdom from time immemorial is that you don't stick your dick in crazy. That is dick-sticking 101. Maybe that helps explain the whole dine-and-dash scenario. My guess is this guy was sitting around the house in his underwear doing bong hits and watching Comedy Central – probably @midnight with Chris Hardwick, which is the shittiest show on Comedy Central, and he gets a call from a DTF female.

Let me say this: That DTF female would have to look like Godzilla and act like Donald Trump to not make that an enticing deal. Keep in mind here this guy is watching @midnight with Chris Hardwick, where comedians go to have all the funny sucked out of them by its Death Eater host. He's a warm bath and a razor blade away from shuffling off this mortal coil (THANKS, Chris Hardwick) and the phone rings.

Do not ask for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee. It's that fucking insane ex-girlfriend you dated for a couple of weeks until you found out that instead of actually communicating with you, she interpreted every action/inaction/facial tic/eyebrow cock/vaguely worded sentence as an indication of some profound neurosis/psychosis/dysfunction/malaise. God help you if you ever knitted your brow because that Thai dish you had for lunch wasn't sitting right. Something was always wrong with that relationship from the get-go. You may have just been trying to clamp down on a torrential shart, but she saw it as a symptom of something bigger.

Of course, she wouldn't actually ask you what was wrong. "Hey honey, what's with the grimace?" No, she would stew over it for a few hours/days and maybe do a cryptic Facebook post. Something like, "I just don't know if I can take this distance anymore."

So yeah, even knowing all that, he chose to venture out into the night for the promise of a willing vagina – something to take his mind off the insipid, inane prattle of a bullshit game show for washed-up comedians. We already know how it ends, don't we? The door opens, he realizes what a huge mistake he's made, but he can't back out now or he will look like a total douche. He spends the night, wakes up feeling sorry, and decides to play some bad-breath tonsil hockey before licking the alphabet and then hotfooting it the fuck out of there.

Or, maybe he was having a raging herpes outbreak thanks to his super-nasty new girlfriend. Either way, he did you a solid. Be thankful – you might even send him a thank-you note and ask him how he's doing and what he wants out of your "relationship." I am pretty sure he knows that better than I do.