The Luv Doc: Staying Grounded

Dear Luv Doc,
Once a year, I masturbate to my high school yearbook because I believe that it keeps me grounded and in touch with my roots. Some friends have suggested that this practice is disturbing. Your thoughts?
– Class of "Oh" Two

Dear Class, I think maybe your friends might be confusing “masturbating to your high school yearbook” with “masturbating on your high school yearbook.” In the excited haste of colloquial speech, important prepositions sometimes get glossed over. Speaking of glossing, I think everyone can agree that masturbating on your high school yearbook is a messy proposition, even if the yearbook committee popped for the deluxe glossy finish. Plus, years from now you don’t want to have to explain to your grandchildren why the pages of the pom-pom team spread in the middle of the book are all stuck together.

As for masturbating to your high school yearbook, I can understand how some people might see that as a form of voyeuristic pedophilia, but I am going to be generous and give you a pass on that because those nubile nymphets/smooth skinned studs were/are your age – at least that is my hope. (This may be naive, but I sort of fantasize that my readers aren’t the kind of people who were held back for a couple of years until they could pass pre-Algebra.)

As to whether touching your root keeps you in touch with your roots, well, that’s questionable. Yes, you can be fairly sure that you come from a long line of masturbators, both closeted and un, that stretches back to the Pleistocene Epoch. However, you come from a long line of eaters, breathers, and sleepers as well, and my guess is that you don’t sleep with your yearbook – unless you maybe doze off in the masturbatory afterglow.

What is most significant about your yearly yearbook wank is that it illustrates what a profound effect the sexual imprinting of your formative years can have on your adult life. This might help explain why you get a raging boner every time you see a pair of Juicy sweats, low-rise jeans, or a Von Dutch trucker cap. That fetishization extends to the bodies and faces that accompanied your sexual awakening. It’s powerful stuff and can be really hard to shake, but it’s probably healthiest if you do. Otherwise you stand the chance of becoming a Wooderson or an Uncle Rico. If that happens, masturbation might become your primary sexual activity. That’s disturbing, but mainly it’s just sad.