The Luv Doc: Something Vaguely Comprehensible

Dear Luv Doc,
Usually I go for the strange, but I crushed hard on a local girl from my hometown this summer and it's tumbled me into a female conundrum. I'm a dreamer, she's Austin Hollywood, we're both lonesome and we both felt the spark. The long arm's length she's holding me at bay with has tossed off the rosy shades of that teenage crush feeling. We're all grown up now and besides, that shit made me awkward and doesn't mix well with adult working life.

But I'm still in the humdrum of this female conundrum: She's an ethical pescatarian but feels her body calling for meat. She's feeling behind it, but looking forward to hanging out. She frowns when I mention her pretty purple panties, but suggests I check out a ladies country duo who's top video is about "warshin my big ol' pussy" in the Mississippi. She says perhaps we could have something flippant, but says she's ready for a relationship. Yeah, I want to flip it, tag it, and reverse it, but I'm trying to be a goddamn gentleman here and not just score.

I walk her to the door, we kiss, her lips want more but she won't invite me past the door. She hopes our paths cross soon, but won't give that chance any room. Por favor, some tact from the Luv Doc I implore! A tactical tack, not too tacky, but sticky enough to get me through the door with this chick I want to explore. Or am I just falling for the song of my own far off lonesome sound? ~Come Undone Conundrum

Dude. What the actual fuck? I just … I mean … where to begin? Normally, I try to edit this shit down to something vaguely comprehensible - often at the risk of my own sanity - but this … Jesus ... this makes me want to beat you unconscious with a hardback copy of The Elements of Style. I truly wish I could say that in a more compassionate and tactful way, but I can’t because I took the time to read your fucking question. If I were a lawyer i would add on a couple of hours to your bill, but I am not, I am a fake doctor (and seriously re-thinking my English degree).

As best I can tell, you have a crush on a woman who will only kiss you at her door after a date; who is at turns both prude and suggestive. This confuses you. You can’t tell if she’s just stringing you along or if she’s really interested and you want me to give you advice on how to tactfully win her “affection.” Is that it? Here is my advice: Don’t ever speak or write again in the style in which you posed your question above. No, seriously. Ever. If she is giving you the Heisman stiff-arm, there’s a good chance it’s because of your impenetrable prose. Stick with sincere, straightforward, unadorned language and see how that works. You might find that what you believe to be your strength is actually a weakness.