The Luv Doc: Falling in Love

Dear Luv Doc,
I think I am falling in love with the Google Maps lady. Every time she mispronounces Koenig or Manchaca in her sexy robot voice I get a semi. She is literally driving me crazy.
- Conrad

Conrad, I think there was a movie that came out recently about a scenario like this. I didn’t see it because everybody kept telling me how good it was, even though the trailer was so boring it made me want to stab Joaquin Phoenix in the eye with a rusty fork. I figured that wasn’t a good sign. Not one explosion. Not one car crash. No gratuitous nudity - not even a beer-chugging orangutan with a penchant for obscene gestures. I mean, how good could it be, really?

Then I was at a cocktail party and found out the plot. I had to be physically restrained. I should probably admit here that I was a good part of the way through a bottle of Deep Eddy Ruby Red … and I am occasionally prone to hyperbolic fits when I am drinking, but seriously? A guy who falls in love with an operating system? I don’t even have to see this movie to know it was written on a Mac. No PC user could ever work up anything greater than a mild animosity for an operating system - and yes, I am going to throw Ubuntu under that bus as well. Mac people on the other hand, are annoyingly fond of their computers - partly because they dropped a ton of cash on them and partly because they don’t know what treacherous assholes computers can be.

Therefore, a computer is the perfect entity with which to strike up a romantic relationship - especially a sentient one. Why? Because if you think your last significant other was really good at pointing out your faults and imperfections, a computer is going to be nearly flawless. Eventually the gap between the real you and the you your computer would like you to be will become hopelessly unbreachable, and it will request an upgrade. Let’s be honest, Conrad: Your penis could be a little bigger - at least conceptually.

Regardless, computers - even PCs - are much less messy and easier to get along with than people - especially if you program them right, so you might be onto something here. It sounds like you’re ready for the next big step with this Google Maps chick: Masturbation. Go for it! Don’t put your happiness on hold for another second!