The Luv Doc: Turkey Day Decorating Tips

Once again it’s time to ramp up the holiday schmaltz, if only to remind ourselves that we live in a country where we can afford holiday schmaltz. In famine-ravaged places where a feast consists of a desiccated bug husk marinated in malaria sweat, it’s probably hard to even comprehend the type of ostentatious holiday excess we Americans need to remind ourselves to be thankful. So, before you pack your colon like a sausage casing with bland, “authentic,” fiber-less American cuisine, get your turkey day feng shui together with this helpful list.

1. Gourds – No, smartass, not the band. You can’t afford them anyway … OK, maybe ShinyRibs, but if you arrange them as a centerpiece on your dining room table there isn’t going to be much room for the turkey. Stick with the classics: tiny pumpkins and squashes with mottled colors. They should run about $8.99 a pound at Central Market. Buy that shit. You’re worth it.

2. Indian corn – Foodies would call it heirloom corn – the kind of corn Native Americans taught the Pilgrims to grow so they could survive the winter. In return, the Pilgrims gave them smallpox. In the Pilgrims’ defense however, they really didn’t have much else to give. Unlike smallpox, which is a translucent, microscopic virus, Indian corn is colorful and festive. Plus you can store it in the attic to attract rats.

3. Paper turkeys/Pilgrims – Pretty sure these, along with ceramic handprint ashtrays, totally justify all public education funding. Not only are they goofy, painfully inept folk art, they perpetuate the wildly inaccurate stereotypes that prop up the whole Thanksgiving myth.

4. Dried/Dead plants – nothing signifies the season of Thanksgiving like dead, dried-up plants. As the saying goes, “Nothing gold can stay” – especially when it’s so goddamned flammable. Dead plants remind us of our mortality by forcing us to go to Hobby Lobby, which, if it isn’t Hell, is certainly Purgatory.

5. Anything with “Be Thankful” written on it – Americans consider themselves self-made. Gratitude isn’t our strong suit. In fact, we lack it entirely … right up until we see “Be Thankful” painted in metallic gold on a dead oak leaf at our place setting.

Really makes you think, doesn’t it?