The Luv Doc: Faking It

Dear Luv Doc,
Last night, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to watch Mad Men on Netflix (I know, we just started watching it September) and he said he "needed to do some stuff on the computer.” He NEVER needs to do stuff on the computer and watching Mad Men has been one of our favorite things to do together, so I was suspicious. I pressed him about it and he admitted he had already watched through the end of Season 4. The worst part is he said he had been re-watching with me. Not only has he been cheating on me, he has been faking it, too! I would break up with him, but I really want him to suffer. How should he be punished?
- Betrayed

Wow, Betrayed, you’ve got some really heavy, dark, first world, existential shit going on here. I just had a vision of you standing over your sleeping boyfriend in the middle of the night with a meat cleaver and a garbage bag. It made me shudder. Hell hath no fury like a woman betrayed. Yeah, I use “hath” all the time, but usually it’s when I’m imitating Sylvester the Cat. Anyway, I see you as one of those fire-and-brimstone girlfriends who won’t be satisfied with making your boyfriend wear a scarlet letter. Who has time for that Etsy crap anyway? You have episodes to get caught up on.

I know the easy answer would be for you to do some retaliatory cheating yourself – maybe marathon it all the way through Season 5 and then leave little spoiler notes around the house for your boyfriend to find. However, if I’m not mistaken, those sort of graceless, slash-and-burn, Sherman-to-Atlanta tactics are far below your station. How do I know this? Because you subscribe to Netflix, which means you can afford high-speed internet, which means you probably aren’t catching grain bags thrown off the back of an Oxfam truck. In fact, I’m not even sure they have Oxfam trucks in America, which is why I am qualified to authoritatively answer your question.

The best way to punish your boyfriend is to forgive him completely and unconditionally – maybe give him a good, long, soulful hug. Naturally, he will think you are secretly planning some horrible retribution and will be plagued by anxiety, paranoia, and sleeplessness. Eventually his hair will start falling out, circles will form under his eyes, and he’ll have chronic ulcers. You FTW. Or, you could show him some mercy and withhold sex from him until you catch up on Mad Men.