The Luv Doc: Real People vs. Smart Phones

LuvDoc,
Whenever my girlfriend goes anywhere with me in my car she spends the whole time checking her email and Facebook on her iPhone. I haven’t said anything to her about it yet – well, maybe I have teased her a few times – but I think it’s rude. Should I say something to her about it or should I just shut up and drive?
- Driving Solo

Wow DS, sounds like you’re not really bringing it entertainment-wise. By your own description, the only place you seem to be taking your girlfriend is Snoresville. That trip is always a long haul. Hopefully you don’t have your radio tuned to smooth jazz. If that’s the case, she may be iPhoning just to keep from jamming tampons in her ear holes. If you have some sort of depraved smooth jazz fetish, you need to get control of that shit before she gets in the car. The only thing more awkward than silence is…I don’t think I need to say it again, do I?

Have you tried beatboxing? I’ll be the first to admit that chicks dig a private beatbox concert almost as much as they do when you sing along in falsetto to an Adele song, but it doesn’t hurt to vary your repertoire every now and then. Quick tip on the beatboxing thing: Carry some extra napkins in your glove compartment so you can wipe the spit off your windshield on those occasions when your beats get extra phat like Young Jeezy. Sure, dried saliva will make your car even funkier, but it also impairs vision. You don’t want to end up with some toddler stuck to your tire just because you were lip twerkin’ the breakdown on Illin’.

So maybe beatboxing is a bit outside your skill set. OK, I get it. You might have even flubbed your steering wheel drum solo and now you’re casting about for a real crowd pleaser. One word: comedy. Nothing breaks the ice like a flawless recitation of the Monty Python "Albatross" sketch or maybe that hilarious does-your-dog-bite scene from The Pink Panther. If you bomb with that material, you can always bust out with some Chris Rock or Richard Pryor. Once she hears your hilarious, borrowed take on the differences between men and women, she will drop that phone and start ROFLHAO.

Of course, if you really want to get her attention, get out your phone and sext her. Once she sees you reeling out your junk and snapping selfies my bet is that she’ll take an intense interest in you and what you’re up to. At that point you can openly and honestly tell her that when you’re alone with her in the car you would like more attention than she currently gives her iPhone, you selfish bastard.