The Luv Doc: Plumber's Butt

LuvDoc,
My bathroom sink is totally clogged up. Every time I turn on the water, the sink fills up and it takes forever to drain. I would call a plumber but I am afraid that would be really expensive – plus there’s that whole plumber’s butt thing. It’s so sad. I'm brushing my teeth in the kitchen. Should I try using Liquid Plumber? I have heard that it's bad for the pipes.
-All Stuck Up

First of all, I think you may not be giving plumbers – Liquid or otherwise – enough credit. Sure, some instances of plumber’s butt (or “plumber’s crack,” if you want to get all churchy) can cause nausea and acid reflux, but for the most part they're relatively harmless. In fact, it could be easily argued that plumber’s butt is à la mode (that being the traditional French variation of the phrase meaning “of the times” and not some sick fetish website involving ass and ice cream – which ironically, in some parts of Texas is pronounced “ass cream”). Kids are bustin’ sags everywhere – on purpose. Pants companies have stopped even trying to stay the recession of the waistline. Really, the only thing stopping most people from accidentally dropping trou these days is either an a) reasonably fluffed package, or b) the Velcro effect of having put off going to the waxer for too long. Jeans are no longer something you have to fit into. These days they’re more like denim funnels to pour your flab into … and jeggings? It’s like the whole Pacific Rim has decided we all look like Humpty Dumpty. Sadly, they’re pretty much right. Other than the plumbers on gay porn sites, nobody really works their glutes anymore and it’s just a damn shame. Even so, I have to believe that there is a plumber out there who can squat 450 and still fit into a pair of 32” Wranglers. Of course, the question is, are you willing to roll the dice? Probably not. That’s why I'm going to suggest you do something really dirty: Clean out your P-trap. If that sounds really nasty, it’s because it is. The P-Trap is that piece of pipe that makes a little u-turn under your sink. It’s actually designed to trap all the hair, soap scum, snot, and spooge before it gets further down your pipe and necessitates a service call. Before you do, however, put a bucket under it – ideally, a bucket that you’re not terribly fond of. Unscrew both ends of the P-trap and see what comes out. The best case scenario is that you get to drag a hairy, slimy, stinky varmint out with your fingers, but once you do, your problem might just be solved. If not, you might want to pop a Pepcid and call a plumber.