Our mission? Rate the Oscars, and you know what for. Who cares about the movies when a hairstyle or dress will make you gasp? And let's face it, when it comes to the Oscars, most of us can assume a kind of blasé, seen-it-all attitude because, well, because we have seen it all. Television places these events in our homes, and sometimes at work. Of course we're the experts! Onward!
Babs: Oh, what a night to be average! Everything is so monochrome, pale. The color of '98: pewter! What, is there a shortage of red lipstick?! And the major philosophical query of the night, after watching women wobble across the stage for almost four hours: Why can't more women walk as well as Samuel L. Jackson? And whoever sang the song from Anastasia -- Major V.P.L.!
TVi: A word about black. You can't go wrong with it. It's the only color that counts. And for Pete's sake, have we forgotten what a bra is for? Fay Wray should have gotten a standing ovation like Stanley Donen.
HC: Is it too cruel to mention Peter Fonda's wife's hair? Somene needs to tell her the Sixties are over. Except in reference to her age.
Bob: Wait a minute... Neve Campbell, Helen Hunt, Mike Myers... Have I accidentally tuned into Battle of the Network Stars? Billy Crystal is really pushing the envelope on that whole lapel width issue. And I'm not too sure about this long-coat tux thing. Some of these guys end up looking like Toulouse-Lautrec. All the white tuxes... I felt like I was watching Cab Calloway and his orchestra. I kept waiting for them to break into "Minnie the Moocher."
SM: The costume award seemed appropriate.
On Kim Basinger
HC: As unexpected as her win, the dress was elegant and gorgeous -- true movie star material. Edith Head is smiling from above.
SM: Well, okay -- she's been at it awhile, though not as long as Gloria Stuart. Kim looked fab.
TVi: Clearly, she did not design this outfit. The frosty green was pretty but was so wrinkled it reminded me of Princess Diana's wedding gown.
Bob: Appropriately humble, but she looks like she's had wa-a-a-y too much coffee.
Babs: God bless Cher for tapping into the undulating talents of who, Bob Mackie?
TVi: Neutral? On Cher? Even with rhinestones, you're no neutral gal. Go for the black, dear.
HC: Cher's Queen of Planet X number rates a mention.
On Kate Winslet
HC: With that wench-fresh-from-a-roll-in-the-hay look, all she needed was straw poking out of her hair. But it's wonderful to see a big, strapping, beautiful lass strut her English stuff.
TVi: The gown was dee-vine. I want one like it.
On Jack Nicholson
HC: Matching cummerbund and eyeglass lenses -- the perfect, subtle way to accessorize.
Bob: What a shame he couldn't find a tux his size. Oh, well, judging from the paunch it so enthusiastically reveals, he'll grow into it by next year.
TVi: Lose the sunglasses, Jack. You're a star who does very little and gets away with a lot.
SM: He was Jack Nicholson. He's Old Hollywood.
On Helen Hunt
Babs: Basic column gown, pale face... boring.
SM: She needs a make-over and a really good bra.
HC: Sleek and flawless... Her natural ease warmed the ice blue austerity of the dress.
Bob: With the pulled-back blonde 'dos, the oh-so-tasteful gowns on her and Elisabeth Shue, it's Dueling Grace Kelleys!
TVi: One word, three letters, Helen: b-r-a. The hair was lovely, a classic look, though it could have been softer around her high forehead.
On Ashley Judd
Babs: Paid homage to Sharon Stone's peek at the netherworld.
TVi: Did we see what we thought we saw?
HC: Her Billie Holiday get-up rates a mention -- flowing, fragrant, and sensuous. Of course, the down side would be the full-body wax....
On Robin Williams
HC: The knee-length tux -- even an Armani -- had a Presbyterian preacher look to it but I admit it's perfect for doing the Groucho walk across the stage.
SM: I was pleased to see Williams win but not for that. He looked very stylish.
TVi: Hmmph. He always plays the same role.
Bob: What a trouper! Came straight to the Oscars still wearing the Brunhilde costume she wears in the Beverly Hills Metropolian Opera production of Gotterdammerung.
HC: I cannot find the words to describe her though I know there are some out there. The Road Warrioress?
TVi: I used to have a nightgown with the same bodice. But what's with the droopy paper curls?
Babs & Bob's Exchange After Seeing the Eighth Tonsorially Tousled Star
Bob: Could none of these guys find a comb this year?
Babs: Well, they all gave them up for the war effort.
Bob: Oh, is that it?
Babs: Yes, they're all doing it for the boys.
And when it's all over and done with -- knowing we have a year's worth of National Enquirer covers in hand, the voice in the wilderness speaks: There's always next year.