2005 Politics Holiday Gift Guide

DeLay Piñata, and Other Anti-Bush, Anti-Republican Paraphernalia

Prices vary

You got to know them during Bush's first term as Two Unemployed Democrats, and now they are simply known as the Unemployed Democrats Company, Inc., but by any name they are still Austin's leading purveyors of anti-Bush paraphernalia – and if recent polls are any indication, more people than ever would appreciate the presents they have to offer. Our new favorite: the Tom DeLay piñata. You know you want to whack the Hammer. Give 'em the business at 1805 S. First or online at www.unemployeddemocrats.com, or call 462-1600 (toll free: 866/854-DEMS).

Playmobil Security Checkpoint and Hazmat Crew

Sold separately

Since "9/11 changed everything™," shouldn't your toddler's toys follow suit? Our color-coded terror alert system went a long way toward enthralling the youngsters, yet its production was unfortunately phased out gradually after Nov. 2 last year. Luckily, the Security Check-point is now here to help socialize your little ones to "the way we live now™." (ACLU lawyers sold separately.) It's important to remind our precious ones, however, that in a cruel universe, death and terror aren't only the playthings of bloodthirsty madmen – they come forth from black skies and intemperate oceans. No one knows this like Playmobil's Hazmat Crew, fresh from a tour of the Big Easy. In keeping with their authenticity, all orders will be delayed until we realize how bad you really need them.

"Shop the Right"

Prices vary

Looking to please that certain reactionary someone on your Annoying Relatives List long enough to get through the holidays without a Major Family Confrontation? Just visit www.cafepress.com/shoptheright, where you'll find such heartwarming "Vast Right Wing Conspiracy" tchotchkes as "Beware of Hillary Clinton" hats and patches, "Some Things Are Worth Fighting For!" gift wear (featuring, natch, a seminude babe on a U.S. flag blanket), and (our personal favorite) "Freedom Cross" memorabilia of a Christian cross literally wrapped in the American flag. What right-thinking right-praying fundie could refuse? Right on!

Lego Austin-Land

Free, if you can imagine it

Help your Austin old-timer re-create the world before that first gray hair appeared. Specially designed Legos collapse if any structure is built more than one story tall. Includes extra surface parking and a rockin' Lego Stevie Ray. And for just $5.99 more, you can make the fun last all day with a bonus pack of clothing-optional Lego hippies.

Downtown Austin Erector Set

Prices vary

Bigger! Taller! Mightier! This condo-packed erector set imagines a world of pure power, where big dreamers can say "height limit, schmeight limit" to those pesky public hearings and pokey democratic processes.

Housing for the Poor

Priceless

Since it's supposed to be the season of giving, how about free housing for eight months, then the option to buy with a special payment plan, for anyone in Travis County living at or below the federal poverty line, which is $18,850 for a family of four. What the hell – for four months, utility bills covered, too.

WEED WATCH HOLIDAY EDITION

Marijuana Vaporizer

Having a hard time finding the perfect gift for the medi-pot patients on your shopping list? Look no further than www.marijuanavaporizer.com, which offers four vaporizing options for the discriminating patient. Vaporizers release the beneficial tetrahydracannibinol in medi-pot by heating the, err, medicine into a mist that is inhaled through a plastic tube, thereby eliminating the need to smoke – because, really, you wouldn't want to see carcinogenic buildup on your pal's list of chronic pains, right? Marijuana Vaporizer – which claims to have the finest vaporizing implements around (shipped, of course, via plain brown box) – sells four different models online – from the economical $89 "Mini Blue," made of durable melt-proof plastic – to the $289 top-of-the-line "Rechargeable Vapir 2," which comes with a lithium battery (good for a solid 25 minutes of vaporizing fun), an instructional DVD, and "stylish" custom-fit carrying bag.

Lollipots

This holiday season, why not tempt your sweet with some sweets? And, hell, why not throw in a pair of thong underwear for good measure? If that's the kind of gift duo you've been looking for, check out the Chronic Candy online store – www.chroniccandy.com – for all your shopping needs. The California-based company deals in a variety of lollipots – fruity candies made with marijuana flower extract (but no THC) – sour gummy goodies, and a variety of "accessories" – from marijuana leaf flip-flops to Chronic Candy logo T-shirts and women's undies. Shop now and you can even pick up the limited edition "Snoop Dogg Air Tight Container" – to store your candies, of course – at a low, low holiday sale price of $19.99!