The Hightower Lowdown

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YOU CAN'T KEEP THE EARL OF SANDWICH DOWN

Time to take another peek into the "Lifestyles of the Rich ... and Cranky."

There's so much attention these days on the "new rich" -- those hotshots who became overnight millionaires -- that we too often overlook the "old rich," who live generation after generation on some fortune amassed in the distant, foggy past by Great, Great, Great, Great Grandfather Greed. How're they doing?

Not so well, according to the Earl of Sandwich, scion of one of Britain's most upper-crust families, in a recent New York Times interview. "There's no real security in being from an old family anymore," says the Earl ruefully. What with the skyrocketing costs of maintaining mansions, keeping servants, and whatnot, even some of the landed gentry find it hard to make ends meet. I know you can feel their pain.

Snicker if you will, but the Earl, who is the 11th in the royal line of Sandwiches, is a serious chap. He's in the House of Lords and is the latest in a continuous line of Sandwiches to serve in Parliament since the 1660s. The most famous, of course, was Earl the Fourth, a lord of the British admiralty who allegedly invented the sandwich during an all-night gambling session -- refusing to break for dinner, he slapped a chunk of meat between two bread slices and -- voilà! -- the rest is culinary history.

But you can't eat history and, alas, today's Sandwich family needs to make a living. So, in an entrepreneurial burst, the 11th Earl recently decided -- eureka -- we'll start a sandwich business! He notes that he has long been bothered by the poor quality of British sandwiches (the food, not the family), and who better than he to set a proper standard? Hence, a new line of fresh, packaged sandwiches (upscale, of course) bearing the family name and crest on the package. He's even planning an Earl of Sandwich Cafe in Disney World. How appropriate.

It just shows you can't keep a good Sandwich down. But I don't think that'd make a good marketing slogan.

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DONNING THE MASK OF CORPORATE REFORM

Oh, joy -- the sweet song of democracy will emanate from the closed boardrooms of Corporate America for the first time!

Or so the headlines led us to believe when the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission recently proposed new rules to change the way that members of corporate boards are chosen. Change certainly is long overdue, for these private fiefdoms that rule our land are more secretive, autocratic, and ruthless than the Mafia. Despite slogans like "shareholder democracy," no democracy is tolerated within these iron-fisted hierarchies.

Yes, the boards of directors technically are elected by shareholders -- but these "elections" are Kremlin-style, with shareholders getting only one slate of candidates hand-picked by the CEO. Even if a majority of shareholders vote against these chosen ones, the shareholders are simply ignored, and the incumbents stay on the board.

In the wake of Enron and other corporate calamities, however, the public demanded reform, and now George W.'s SEC is responding with rules to allow shareholder opponents of imperious corporate management to put their own board candidates on the ballot and vote the incumbents out. Sounds good -- vote-'em-out is the essence of democracy!

But we've learned that a Bush "reform" almost always is an imposter wearing the mask of reform. The powerhouse CEOs who finance and essentially run the Bushites' government are not about to let the SEC mess with their power, so they made sure that these so-called reforms are nothing but silky shams to protect the status quo.

For example, only very large, long-term shareholders will be allowed to nominate an opposing candidate, and even this would only happen under extraordinary circumstances. But the real klunker is that outsiders will be allowed to elect no more than one or two members of the board -- even if more actually win. The controlling majority will still be hand-picked by the CEO.

This isn't reform, much less democracy -- it's a fraud.