Ken Lieck's Dancing Lessons

"What can these people possibly be thinking?" That's a question that runs through my mind often when I'm cobbling together the Dancing About Architecture column each week. It springs to mind when I receive an "urgent fax" about a show that won't occur for a month and a half. It leaps into my brain when someone hand-delivers a press release for a show that weekend (on a Thursday morning when the paper is already on the news stands). It emerges as a baffled whisper when I check my voice mail and hear an earnest plea to plug a record release for a starving band, only the caller doesn't say where or when the party is or give a phone number so I can call and ask.

So what is the right way of getting into this column? You say you don't care, but I know better. I've heard tell of the way your skin pales when a friend drops my name and you gasp, "D-d-d-do you really know... him? Could you introduce me?" Well, there's a number of good ways to ensure your band's appearance in my column of renown. First off, as implied above, be timely. Second, don't inform me of every breath or fart you make on your way to fame or I'll probably gloss right over it when you actually do something of note. Third, keep in mind the following: E-mail is quick and handy, but not always easy for me to access while I'm actually working on the column. Voice mail has the same benefits, but can be misdirected, lost, or forgotten easily. And those 4x6 cards you send never - repeat never - fight their way past the larger material in my mailbox 'til at least three months after your band has broken up. (I swear I found one card the other day bearing a two-cent stamp.)

On to the schmooze factor. As with any public figure, to get my attention you have to stand out from the crowd. Yes, buying me a drink will make me notice you, but keep an eye on the way the evening has been progressing. If everyone in the room has been buying me drinks, I'll see two of you and remember neither. Sending elaborate, offbeat press materials (i.e.: gifts) tends to tweak my attention (see SINIS in last week's column or all the attention Screwtape got from the entire Chronicle music staff due to their recent enormous, expensive press packet), but if your actual music isn't up to snuff you can expect to lose your novelty value very quickly.

Finally, you wanna know how to really get lots of press in this column and everywhere else? Think back to the last time you pissed and moaned about how Fastball gets so much attention and take note: Do something, for fuck's sake! I don't write about popular, successful acts necessarily because they float my boat. I do it because they're newsworthy! So bust your ass, get a record contract, tour the world, become enormously rich and successful, turn down McDonald's commercials, and marry a supermodel or two.

I guarantee I'll slip you a plug at that point.