'Twas Christmas in Austin

Photo By Todd V. Wolfson

'Twas Christmas in Austin and all through the city

I wore this big red suit trimmed in white kitty.

I had ceased to be jolly and run low on charm,

Plus, the weather was nasty, clammy, and warm.

The beard made my face itch, the hat made me sweat,

The toys were heavy, and the streets dark and wet.

If my mood didn't rally, the news was, I fear,

The crude little cretins would get no toys this year.

The reindeer were cranky, distracted, and mean,

Comet got stupid, and Cupid, obscene.

Prancer got angry but not like old Vixen

Who hauled off and smacked on Donner and Blitzen.

I whipped out my flask and offered a swig,

Rubbing my nose and scratching my wig.

But Dasher declined, and Dancer got drunk,

And bitched 'bout the weight of the toys in the trunk.

"It's the house-to-house shit that makes us so tired."

"Dear, Dancer! I'm shocked! And what's more, you're fired!"

"Just cool it," said Donner, "We've trouble enough.

Let's drop some of this booty, and make things less rough."

I knew they were right, not just being lazy.

These Christmas deliveries made everyone crazy.

I tried to appease them, convince and cajole,

While mentally burying them in very deep holes.

"We'll have no more house calls!" they chimed in with glee,

An idea that definitely appealed to me.

It'd been harder to fly down the chimneys in haste,

Something to do with the size of my waist.

"So be it," said I, with grandeur and passion,

Then cracked the whip hard in an unSanta-like fashion.

"Swoop lower! And faster! Let's get this done soon!

And be back at the North Pole for cocktails by noon!"

We dropped off some toys by the side of the road

(Anything that helped to lighten the load).

Out went the Barbies, and Kangas and Roos,

Out went the racecars and PlayStation 2s.

This divesting of treasures we found sort of fun,

So we stopped slowing down, and went on the run.

Board games went bye-bye, dear girls and boys,

And trinkets and trombones and things that make noise.

Like rain from the sky the toys all flew,

Dotting the town like new-fallen dew.

Out of their houses and windows kids came,

Laughing with joy and calling our names.

They danced open-armed, catching whatever they could,

And we made no distinction between bad and good,

No more of this creeping through a dark house at night,

This shower of toys was a wonderful sight.

T'was not like any Christmas that they'd ever had,

And we had to admit, it wasn't so bad.

More fairly distributed, thought I with a smile,

And found it more fun than had I in awhile.

We'd ne'er before seen (since we worked the night shifts)

The looks on the children as they opened their gifts.

The glowing and grinning were sights to behold,

The hugs and the kisses were good for the soul.

"Clever idea, " I said to my staff.

Have you ever heard of a reindeer laugh?

"Let's do it again!" they said with a cheer,

"Put fun back in Christmas year after year!"

With our sleigh finally empty, we made quite a sight Eight giggling reindeer and big beard of white.

As we soared through the skies and let out our call:

"Peace on earth, little kiddies, we had a ball!"