Hint: found this at a local eatery that is often recommended to South-byers.

The city of Austin has some South by Southwest pointers up on their Web site. No, City Manager Toby Futrell isn't recommending you check out the Turbonegro showcase; instead, they're warning of a peril roaming Downtown: fraudulent parking attendants.

"The Downtown Area Command would like to advise the public that there are subjects wearing 'safety glow vests' and pretending to be valet parking attendants for the entertainment district. Vehicles are parked on public streets in marked spaces and drivers are being charged a parking fee," sayeth the APD. A hearty, "Bitch, please!" to these fellows (the scofflaws, not the cops) sounds in order.

They've also got street closures, parking info, and a list of free stuff up, like Auditorium Shores. (Will Wynn's guaranteed to be at the Public Enemy concert, as he's in talks with VH-1 for his own Flavor of Love-style reality TV show after the mayor gig: Will Wynn Ya, Babe?)

I found the mystery stairs! They're next to the escalator on the southern most side of the building facing west. Pristine and well lit. Someone riding in the sarcophagus that is called an elevator told the assembled that the stairs are only for use in case of fire. I began having evil thoughts.

Spotty to non-existent WiFi. The geeks are unhappy. Sure, we (if I may include myself among the geek throng) can exist without checking our e-mail for an hour but why? I came to my panel early, willing to sit through a panel on the scourge of spam, thinking I could read my e-mail but no. I'm sure there's a geek out there rolling their eyes, thinking what a weenie I am.

The third level of the Convention Center. Heard of it. Knew it was there. Saw the signs. But how the hell to get there? I heard there was a magic escalator but couldn’t find it. Found an elevator the size of a small closet that moves at the speed of ice melting. I’m harried. WiFi was down and I hadn’t checked e-mail and that always puts me on edge during SXSW. They turned me away at the Press room even though I showed them I worked for the Austin Chronicle. Nothing like feeling like the bastard child. Oh, the room police were just doing their job. It’s the first day and you have to expect these kinds of things. So, finally found the Brigadoon level of the Convention Center otherwise known as level three. WiFi works here. Sort of. At least it’s quiet here. Someone waiting for the elevator said they heard the mystery staircase was actually outside the building (!!). Every nodded like they believed that could be true.