The Big O? Oh, No.

Hey, jerk-offs. You’re using the power of the big O for a quick fix, and you’re doing it wrong.

Nicole Daedone, founder of OM (orgasmic meditation), wants to show you the way. That way, of course, involves a class. It involves you (a guy) sitting clothed and a partner (a not-guy) lying half-naked at your hand and you taking care of her business. For Daedon, and the folks whose lives (or other parts) she touches, it’s called “mediation.” (For lesbians, it’s called “first date,” but I digress…)

Naming a SXSW panel “Female Orgasm” is loaded. We’ll forgive Daedone the 45-minute infomercial (sans climax), but the conference is “Interactive,” and next time, honey, just ask for some volunteers.

Daedone, the author of Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm, wants society to equate the practices of meditation, yoga, and orgasm – like the slow food movement, but with sex. Her Friday talk peaked with details about oxytocin levels, depression, societal ADHD, and the 50% divorce rate, with the ultimate aim of her not-cheap retreats to “recontextualize orgasm and harness its power for good.”

Those who would like to have them and those who would like to give them filled the hall with eager anticipation. Counting myself in both populations, I must say that the heterocentric vibe did not get me off.

Of course, no Q&A is complete without the requisite totally-missing-the-point dude inserting the sexual equivalent to: “How come there is no White History Month?!” as one guy chirped: “Can these practices be applied to men?” What part of “female” or “orgasm” was unclear, I wonder?

Ultimately, Daedone dreams of a “global limbic network,” which is all well and good, but how do those who’ve already mastered the secrets of female orgasm feel about hard-earned, intimate truths being sold for a price?

It’s a public service to straight women everywhere, I guess. But then again, so are lesbians.