The Football Prophecies: Week 14

The Football Prophecies foretell the outcomes of each week’s slate of NFL games. Pigskin prophet Russ Espinoza acquired his clairvoyance at age 9 when he was conked on the head by an errant John Elway pass at Mile High Stadium in 1992.

He’s marveled friends and relations and played Vegas like a cheap fiddle with his otherworldly football foresight ever since.

The prophet is pleased to share his gift with The Austin Chronicle.

St. Louis at Buffalo: Weather conditions for Sunday’s kickoff will call for partly cloudy skies with a 60% chance of bleu cheese, and breaking wind out of the northwest traveling upward of 40 miles-per-hour.

Prophecy: Buffalo

Chicago at Minnesota: Flashy Bears’ wide receiver Brandon Marshall sets Twitter ablaze with befuddlement after celebrating his 26-yard second-quarter touchdown by doing that weird thing where you lay on the ground sideways and run in a circle whilst whooping.

Prophecy: Chicago

Tennessee at Indianapolis: Disgruntled Colts’ towel boy, 15-year-old Travis “The Towel” Truman, numbly watches receiver Reggie Wayne yack into the center of a toasty, freshly laundered virgin white.

Prophecy: Indianapolis

Kansas City at Cleveland: Chiefs’ running back Peyton Hillis will sustain a concussion from a vicious second-quarter blow by Browns’ linebacker Scott Fujita. Hillis, though, will bypass the NFL’s mandated baseline concussion test because his severed head goes missing somewhere in the south stands.

Prophecy: Cleveland

Arizona at Seattle: Regrettably, the Seattle Seahawks tap Hole lead singer Courtney Love to deliver the national anthem; which halfway through mutates into a rasped amalgam of “Violet,” “Jennifer’s Body,” and yelling at Kurt to take out the garbage.

Prophecy: Seattle

Miami at San Francisco: Former 49ers’ starting quarterback, Alex Smith – demoted through injury and the subsequent superb play of his young replacement, Colin Kaepernick – resolves to embrace the role of backup quarterback, not lament it.

Smith befriends fellow losers, punter Andy Lee and kicker David Akers, and starts taking an acute interest in math, science, and the art of never getting laid ever again.

Prophecy: San Francisco

New York Jets at Jacksonville: Jets’ linebacker Bart Scott reveals to a patch of reporters following New York’s 23-14 loss to Jacksonville that head coach Rex Ryan’s message has gotten “lost in translation”: particularly because “it’s usually garbled through a mouthful of Meat Lovers Pizza.”

Prophecy: Jacksonville

Baltimore at Washington: Out of commission since October 14 with torn triceps, Raven’s star linebacker and team leader Ray Lewis tells CBS sideline reporter Bonnie Bernstein, “Naturally, I’d kill to be on that field; and you know I’d kill on the field too. So either way someone’s gotta die.”

Prophecy: Baltimore

Denver at Oakland: A gunshot rings out in the stands at the Oakland Alameda-County Coliseum during Thursday night’s game: causing a reverberation of momentary panic that quickly ebbs once the crowd of 55,000 learns it was just someone being murdered, not an accidental discharge.

Prophecy: Denver

San Diego at Pittsburgh: San Diego’s bungling defense hits a new low when all 11 Chargers’ pants split in half at the ass prior to a second-and-seven at the Pittsburgh 45 yard-line.

Prophecy: Pittsburgh

Dallas at Cincinnati: Bengals’ quarterback and TCU product Andy Dalton relishes the opportunity to play the team he worshipped as a child; though, as he notes to Joe Reedy of the Cincinnati Enquirer, “I grew up with the Aikman, Emmitt, and Irvin Cowboys. Those were some unforgettable years. Today’s Cowboys though, these aren’t your grandfather’s crackheads – and that’s a bad thing.”

Prophecy: Cincinnati

Philadelphia at Tampa Bay: Bereft of hopeful words to offer his supremely disappointing football team, Eagles’ coach Andy Reid speaks extemporaneously with his beleaguered men gathered around in the moments before kickoff against the Buccaneers: “Alright guys … uh … hmm …. Well …here goes: There once was a man named Enis …”

Prophecy: Tampa Bay

New Orleans at New York Giants: Saints’ tight end Jimmy Graham will learn the hard way that everything can change in a New York minute. One minute you’re on top of the world, the next you’ve landed atop a pile of garbage from 1,353 feet.

Prophecy: New Orleans

Detroit at Green Bay: The Packers’ marketing team brainstorms with the Wisconsin Dairy Council to devise the official nickname of the Green Bay Packers. A sampling:

1) Muensters of the Midway.
2) The Havarti Hustlers
3) Pepperjack Packerjacks
4) The Cheesus Christs
5) Swiss Family Rodgersons
6) The Cheesy Does Its
7) Can’t Find a Cheddar Man

Prophecy: Green Bay

Houston at New England: Texans’ quarterback Matt Schaub’s indecent proposal to pay Tom Brady $1 million for one night with his wife, supermodel Gisele Bundchen, backfires when Brady tells Schaub to eat the money and sleep with him instead, “to make this whole thing go away.”

Prophecy: New England