Latest UT-Aggie Matchup Is More Joke Than Game

How many Aggies does it take to beat the Texas Longhorns? All of them and they might want to call in Reveille, the Kyle Field clean-up crew, and the cheerleaders (alert Rick Perry and his hairdresser). The real answer: It depends on which Texas A&M football team shows up Thanksgiving night at Kyle Field.

Will it be the team that was embarrassed by Kansas State 62-14 then turned around and walloped Texas Tech 52-30 or perhaps the one that Oklahoma later tromped 65-10? Texas Coach Mack Brown figures on seeing the Aggies who played Oklahoma State close but still lost 36-31. That would be the 6-5 Aggies who barely squeaked into bowl eligibility with a 38-3 trouncing of Baylor last week, while Texas was humbling Kansas 51-20 to remain undefeated.

How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo? Two. One to do the eating, and one to watch for cars.

A&M Coach Mike Sherman knows this game is no joke. He calls it Rocky Balboa versus Apollo Creed only with pseudo military uniforms and lots of tradition (how-dee). “The challenge is they don't have any weaknesses,” Sherman said of UT during his press conference this week. “Every area they're very strong in. If one side isn't up to par, the other side is beating you, whether it's special teams, offense or defense. If one side just isn't clicking, the other two are.”

Did you know that there are three types of Aggies? Those who can count and those who can't.

The big number is 11-0. Brown is screaming it from the hilltops in Austin. Texas has only opened the season 11-0 five other times, most recently during the 2005 championship year. Quarterback Colt McCoy wins against the Ags and he’s the first Texas QB to ever have back-to-back 12-win seasons (and he really, really humbly wants to win the Heisman). Of course, Texas of old didn’t play as many games in a season as Texas of today does, but that’s beside the point. Aggies will tell you they can count to two. That’s how many years in a row their team beat the Longhorns before last year’s 49-9 Texas home win.

They don’t come stranger than this contest, and that’s why even with Texas’ on-paper power, no one ever counts out the Aggies where Bonfire is worshipped as something straight out of Shirley Jackson’s short story “The Lottery.” Why do we build Bonfire? (Never make the mistake of putting “the” in front of this all-important word.) We build Bonfire because we always build bonfire. Bonfire bring wins. Never mind Bonfire fall down and kill. Back in Austin, they burn candles at the Hex Rally because a theatrical fortuneteller named Madame Hipple suggested it years ago. Candles bring wins. Candles no kill. Hook ‘em.

Brown is diplomatic about the weirdness of this long-standing battle between the state’s two oil-grant universities: “At the University of Texas, we have a lot of traditions that we love,” Brown said Monday. “Some people might think sticking two fingers up instead of saying hello is strange. We don't say hello anymore, you do ‘hook 'em.’ Same thing for A&M. The traditions at these two universities are important. They are very prideful. I'd give both universities credit. Not coming from Texas, I give a lot of credit because there are a lot of schools around the country that wish they had the pride of these two schools and that's what makes the game so special on Thursday night.” Translation? You Texas people truly freak me out, but, hey, whatever works to pump up the team.

Why does the Aggie Corps wear uniforms made out of polyester? There's no virgin wool within a hundred miles of College Station.

Farms boys vs. city kids. Hippies vs. rednecks. Democrats vs. Republicans. Tofu vs. beef. We’re more Texan that you. How-dee. Aggies actually hiss at the mention of the University of Texas and refuse to capitalize the name. The biggest injustice is the Longhorns no longer care about the Ags. UT saves its best T-shirts for O-who? Brown this week talked of Texas’ emergence as a true national title contender in terms of the season since the second half of the Oklahoma game. “That game is so huge around here because in the past few years the team that has won that game has a chance in the end and has a chance for some really big stuff,” Brown said of OU. “We really split it into three seasons, and the A&M game is the last of our third four-game seasons, but really and truly, our season is kind of set up before OU and after OU.” Ouch. How-dee?

Why don't Aggies use 911 in an emergency? Because they can't find eleven on the phone dial.

The emergency is coming, Aggies. This Texas team is real. The defense is deadly; the offense doesn’t need a running game to succeed when it has got Jordan Shipley at receiver. Worst of all, Brown is talking up your balanced offensive attack and bragging about Coach Sherman as an NFL coaching god. “My gosh, he coached Brett Favre.” And Brown is trilling candy-coated sweet nothings about your quarterback Jerrod Johnson. “He's tall. He's smart. He's fast. He's accurate as a passer.” And he’s a snappy dresser and has fine manners. Brown went so far as to compare Johnson to that nice boy Todd Reesing from Kansas, the one, ahem, Lamarr Houston, Sergio Kindle, and the entire Texas defense pounded into the turf last week. How-dee, Aggies. Pull out those sawed-off Horns T-shirts. Call in the Corps turds. Get ready. No joke.