Big 12 Power Rankings (and Whatnot)

In case you missed it, no doubt too busy playing softball or watching the St. Louis Cardinals run away with the National League Central division, it's once again football season. American football season, the kind of football that counts for something here in the gut of our fine nation.

The kind of football where you can watch a grown man take a hit and not fall to the ground pretending to be hurt. The kind of football where 1-0 is a team's record, not a score from a game.

I pick on soccer, unmercifully so at times. Perhaps it's the bloodlust that pumps through my veins this time of year that drives me to such inexplicable hatred or perhaps it's the scent of grilled mammals quietly roasting on BBQ pits from here to Tallahassee, and clear up to the North Country. And maybe it's merely the cedar beginning to drift through the air, threatening me and my loved ones with all the pain, agony, fear, and trembling that even watching a 1-0 soccer match couldn't bring about.

Whatever the case, I trust that you, like myself, are filled with abundant joy having Week 1 of the college football season under our collective belts. Unless, of course, you are an Oklahoma Sooner. Then you're probably beside yourself with the aforementioned pain, agony, and fear, and trembling.

As you should be.

I'm no OU fan, but I couldn't help but feel bad for Sam Bradford. From all accounts, he's a good kid, the kind that even Mack Brown would root for if he didn't have to face him in October. As a Fan of Sport and incurable gambler, I'd rather see Sam Bradford play. I think most UT fans, or any other fans for that matter, would rather see their team beat a rival when the rival is at its best. Makes a victory that much sweeter. Probably does more for all the BCS formula workings, too. But there are fools such as the one I met Saturday night, Jonathan, a frat boy complete with seashell necklace, who couldn't contain his zeal at seeing Bradford go down with a sprained shoulder. This clown hollered out, in the middle of a party, "now we won't have to play that walleyed Indian!"

Naturally, the Okie in me was outraged and on the verge of taking a cattle prod to Jonathan's naked throat flesh. Then I realized he was heavily intoxicated and it had been somewhat a minor miracle that he could even complete a sentence. So I forgave him and even gave him a few points for using such a big word as "walleyed."

Now that's class.

Ah, futbol Americano. Sometimes it truly brings out the best in us.

My first impressions in the aftermath of Week 1 are quite simple: OU might really be in trouble. Oklahoma State somehow perhaps found a defense. Texas' schedule reminds me of Kansas State's in Bill Snyder's glory days. A&M looks to be continuing an outstanding tradition of mediocrity. Mike Leach must really, really love pirate movies. So on and so forth. And whatnot, too.

Of course, we have no idea how this season will play out. OU might come roaring back with all the vengeance of a wounded beast, scared and dangerous and hellbent on Payback. oSu might finally have the kind of breakthrough season folks in Stillwater have been praying for since someone told them God took sides in sporting matches. Texas might win a national championship, causing everything from ACL to SXSW to a hundred other acronym-ed events to be canceled in the greater Austin area. Hopes are naturally running high.

Since "power rankings" are all the rage on other sports-themed websites such as Sports Illustrated and ESPN, I figured I'd do my own. Be sure to check back each week to see how your favorite Big XII team is doing in the only poll that really counts. Mine.

John H. Razook's Big XII Power Rankings:

1. Texas [1-0; 0-0]: Record crowd of 101,096 on hand for the opener against a high school team.

2. Oklahoma State [1-0; 0-0]: Yes, you read it right … Oklahoma State. Playing defense? In the Big XII? You'll have to look much further down to find the other team from Oklahoma.

3. Missouri [1-0; 0-0]: Chase who?

4. Kansas [1-0; 0-0]: Rumor has it Mark Mangino ate the other team following the Jayhawks' 49-3 opening romp.

5. Baylor [1-0; 0-0]: That's right. Baylor. Da Bears!

6. Nebraska [1-0; 0-0]: Never understood the "Blackshirt" thing, but apparently, it's very cool to have a black shirt.

7. Texas Tech [1-0; 0-0]: Mike Leach has a pirate-themed parking spot on campus. Yarrrrgh!

8. Oklahoma [0-1; 0-0]: Only because the rest of the Big XII teams figure to be very, very bad.

9. Texas A&M [1-0; 0-0]: See above for "very, very bad."

10. Kansas State [1-0; 0-0]: Bill Snyder lifts team to dramatic victory over … UMass?

11. Iowa State [1-0; 0-0]: Still Iowa State.

12. Colorado [0-1; 0-0]: First home loss to Colorado State since 1986.

[Editor's note: John H. Razook is, in fact, an incurable gambler. Nevertheless, readers should not consider him an expert of any kind, and should never base their own bets on any outlandish claims he may make throughout the course of the season.]