The AggreGAYtor: March 4

Lech Walesa puts his foot in his mouth, Jodie Foster refuses to cooperate, and Bryan Fischer worries about locker room horseplay. What would we do, baby, without today's AggreGAYtor?

• Since Mondays should always start with hope, Washington scientists are reporting that they have apparently cured a baby born with HIV.

• I know, I know, Tina Brown is "provocative." But isn't it time we admit that she isn't a prophet? And that Obama is NOT the "first gay president?"

• Prosecutors are asking that the father from Family Ties receive up to 3 years in prison for his role in a Vermont lesbian custody dispute. We always knew that Alex P. Keaton would someday be able to convert his dad, but his becoming a Mennonite seems a bit unexpected.

• Al Qaeda isn't all that happy about President Barack Obama's marriage equality support, which obviously means that John McCain is a terrorist.

• I know that we're not supposed to "bully" the enemy, even when they wear T-shirts that could intimidate LGBT students and are otherwise jerks, but the name Seth Groody would be a good euphemism for the lump of phlegm that sometimes gets stuck in the back of the throat. Oh? Only Dan Savage can do that?

• By Virginia law, Spa World is perfectly within their rights to discriminate against LGBT patrons. But maybe we ought to give them the hot stone treatment.

• Apparently, they'll give the Nobel Peace Prize to anyone these days. Victoria Jackson should start shopping for tasteful evening gowns now. Maybe a nice Galliano?

• Cardinal Keith O’Brien, Britain's highest-ranking Catholic leader, has resigned over allegations of hanky panky. Neither the hanky nor the panky were defined.

• Kaopectate-soaked cotton ball Bryan Fischer worries that having gays in NFL locker rooms would cause a "grenade-like explosion." Sounds wet.

• The National Review is disappointed in CPAC for excluding GOProud, which is the least compelling public feud since Azealia Banks decided she had it in for Perez Hilton.

• Lesbian sleeper agent Jodie Foster wants no part in Rosie O'Donnell's gay parenting book. To protect her privacy, La Foster made the announcement over the intercom of LaGuardia Airport.

• A Dallas-area lesbian was attacked over the weekend for defending her son against anti-gay bullies.

• Austin's homegrown Outlander Festival is getting some national press. Kudos!