The AggreGAYtor: January 21

Brian Brown embarks on a European vacation, Daniel Radcliffe practices his most convincing howl, and Bryanboy tries to fashion some new gossip. If the reader prefers, today’s AggreGAYtor may be regarded as fiction.

• A glossolalia-loving Ashley Furniture manager is being sued for not ignoring Jesus when he told her to fire a lesbian employee. Jesus also told her to DVR the second season of She’s the Sheriff, but she was considerably less convinced.

• The Roman Catholic Church want to make it clear that North American Old Catholic Church’s recent ordination of a transgender priest is not “supported by this archdiocese, the Catholic Church, or any entity or organization affiliated with this archdiocese or the Catholic Church.” They also added that the Old Catholic Church’s sacramental bread was tasteless, loaded with calories, and probably not gluten free.

• Michael Triplett, president of the National Gay and Lesbian Journalists Association, has died at 48.

• Maryland delegate Sam Arora is claiming that his infamous 2011 marriage equality reversal wasn’t actually a 180-degree shift. He estimates it was more in the range of 170, but he can’t be sure without a protractor.

• A mysterious new ad campaign is alleging that dyed-in-the-wool minimalist Chuck Hagel is not keen on polychromatic color schemes.

• Over the weekend, an UCLA student was allegedly threatened with a knife in an anti-gay attack.

• Boeing has announced that it will begin offering survivor benefits to same-sex married couples, the timing of which has nothing to do with certain volatile batteries.

• Bubbly bumpkin Rick Santorum, who got all his learnin’ from the family Bible and a worn-out copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People, claims that high-falutin’ colleges and universities are leadin’ youngins away from God.

• The Ft. Bragg officers’ spouses club has refused to grant lesbian Ashley Broadway full membership, but they did offer her a two-episode arc on Fantasy Island.

• NOM’s Brian Brown, a butterscotch cookie scorched in a gender-normative Easy-Bake Oven, doesn’t seem to be learning anything as an exchange student.

• A New Zealand lobbyist is concerned that the country’s recent moves towards allowing same-sex marriage will increase the crime rate. Although the custom is rarely followed anymore in the United States, Kiwi homos still follow the old ways of committing grand theft auto after marriage rites.

• In Georgia (country not state), a spy ring has been uncovered whose focus was on seducing gay men for blackmail. I would venture a guess that none of the spies were codenamed “Pussy Galore.”

• Croatians are getting their badavdžija in a knot over a play poster featuring two lesbian Virgin Marys.

• The British Parliament is considering a law that would recognize the same-sex partners of any theoretical future monarch.

• French Elle has officially announced it is on the side of marriage equality via this month’s cover story – still remains conflicted whether wedges or ballerina flats should be worn to said ceremonies.

• Fashion blogger and Miss Jay 2.0 Bryanboy alleges that Kanye West is on a love lockdown with Givenchy designer Riccardo Tisci and using Kim as a beard. The Kardashians will apparently do anything for money.

• Daniel Radcliffe is continuing his quest to make sure all movie audiences are familiar with his slytherin.

• David Bowie’s stunt-double Lady Gaga is rumored to be on the line-up at one of the many, many inaugural balls.

• Videos have recently resurfaced of Austin wackadoodle and Piers Morgan-BFF, Alex Jones, explaining how the US government is making people gay.

• One of Austin’s less batshit citizens, Yen Tan, is premiering his LGBT-themed film Pit Stop at Sundance.