The AggreGAYtor: December 20

Mike Huckabee slouches toward Bethlehem, Martin Ssempa sees you when you’re sleeping, and John Paulk hurries round the chimney tonight. Today’s AggreGAYtor sleeps in heavenly peace.

• John Paulk - who the ex-gay movement raptly regards as a combination Justin Bieber, David Cassidy, and Ryan Seacrest – has a loose interpretation of that “ex” part.

• Virginia lawmakers are shopping around a problematic anti-discrimination bill.

• Mike Huckabee, leader of the world’s least competent Danzig cover band, is the latest pundick to blame the Sandy Hook shooting on queers.

• A Boston judge has ruled that legal fees will be paid to Michele Kosilek, the incarcerated woman who gained national press earlier in the year for the debate regarding her state-paid gender-reassignment surgery.

• In a reversal of previous votes, Orange County decides to officially recognize Harvey Milk Day. Less excitingly, they also voted to celebrate Cyber Security Awareness Month. Time to break out the, err, Capri Sun?

• Oops. A Maine ethics panel has fined LPAC for missing a filing deadline.

• Richard Adams, a pioneering marriage equality advocate, has died at 65.

• Less sadly, failed Supreme Court nominee, culture war extremist, and possible Haxil Beast Robert Bork has also passed.

• The Florida Family Association promises to continue protecting children from the “homosexual agenda” in 2013. And just when we were planning to introduce transgender Transformers. Drat! Foiled again!

• This targeted “think of the children” approach appears to be at least somewhat successful. While a new Gallup poll reveals widespread support for inheritance rights and some sort of legal recognition of same-sex unions, there is less enthusiastic approval for same-sex adoption and Boy Scout leadership.

• Marriage equality foes in Washington have now taking up opposition to paid surrogacy. In the immortal words of Martin Short, every party has a pooper.

• Two republicans have stepped across the aisle to announce support for the Uniting American Families Act, which extends immigration protections to same sex couples. Not to be cynical, but it might be possible that they were just confused after the decades long campaign to make “family” (Family Research Council, American Family Association, The Family) synonymous with good ole American homo hatin’.

• Maryland Comptroller Peter V.R. Franchot promises that Maryland same-sex married couples will get to file joint income tax returns.

• The Family Research Council is being sued for firing a woman after she made sexual harassment complaints. I’m sure the sexual harassment was done in the most morally upstanding way. I mean, it’s not uncommon for the laying on of the hands to travel a little south. And the term “sweet tits” is solely biblical.

• A coalition composed mostly of villains from Austin Powers films have banded together to opposed marriage equality in Illinois.

• Floridian gaypublican Scott Herman takes the Pepsi Challenge and decides he really prefers the clean crisp taste of the Democrats.

• “Pepperpot” Gretchen Carlson and Steve “Droppa” Doocy interview a less than jolly St. Nick to discuss the “War on Christmas.”

• Ugh. I think Russians are really crabby because of their food. Seriously, everything is slathered in mayo, butter, sour cream, or some demonic holy trinity of the three. Herrings do not need to wear fur coats, drooks.

• Human rights groups are decrying a New Zealand judge’s decision to send a trans woman to a men’s prison.

• Puerto Rican television host and puppet-human hybrid La Comay (I know, bear with me) has caused a fracas for homophobicly (suck it AP) implying that a murder victim may be complicit in his own death. The scandal tops off the worst year in puppetry since Miss Piggy’s 1974 Symbionese Liberation Army incident.

• Awww. Hugglesmooches.The Vatican cares you guys. It’s so nice of them to protect us from the “unattainable Utopia” of being human beings.

• Martin Ssempa, the Andrew Dice Clay of religious Uganda, thinks gay sex involves a lot of fruits and vegetables. “Tossing a salad,” isn’t literal Martin. Geez.

• We tried to warn those cows they were cruising for a bruising when they first tried in invade out turf. Look who’s chikin now.

• NBC has announced a new Sean Hayes vehicle that will deal with a father’s attempt to raise his fourteen year-old daughter who suddenly susans him. Hayes will play wacky businesswoman Dominique Deveraux.

• Ugly Betty’s Mark Indelicato and Gabourey Sidibe are filming a Gregg Araki movie. Boom goes the dynamite.

• The Times of Harvey Milk has been added to the Library of Congress’ National Film Registry. Before oohing and awing over this great honor, I will remind you that so was A League of Their Own.

• Presenting the Pick-up Artist: Westboro edition.

PS: Bernadette’s: we’re sure going to miss you.