News Ticker: April 22

Sam Brownback hails Mary, Jeff Flake pulls a bait and switch, and Reese Witherspoon fails to be America's sweetheart. Disappointment is on the News Ticker.

• The U.S. may have just had the worst week ever™, but that doesn't mean that news suddenly stops. In fact, news is happening all over the nation. Take South Carolina, where a woman was shocked to find bullets inside her cat.

• Or Tennessee. In Bristol, a man was injured by a boat propellor. Super exciting!

• In Nebraska, the hot story of the day concerns "boo-boos."

• And in Kansas, a dog fell into a manhole. Doesn't he know those are for people?

• Oh, and Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback signed the nation's most restrictive anti-abortion law. Maybe that should have been the lede?

• Meanwhile, Facebook sneakily introduced a new logo. To better represent the path of its user's personal info, the logo's distinctive "f" is no longer encumbered by a protective bar.

• The new George W. Bush Presidential Library is attempting to give visitors a feel for what it was like to be in Dubya's presidential shoes. For extra verisimilitude, Dick Cheney has been hired to leer over visitor's shoulders.

• Capital Metro has revealed that one of their employees was behind the weekend bus hijacking.

• With all the gossip about the tension between Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio, now would be a good time for the pair to play it up. Cruz will have to admit defeat, but later he can offer to train Rubio for a comeback fight. It will be like Rocky III, with ties!

• It would certainly make a much better narrative than Sen. Jeff Flake lying to the mother of an Aurora victim. Not cool, bro.

• President Obama and the first lady will be attending the Waco memorial for victims of the West explosion.

• Sentient Hummell figurine Reese Witherspoon doesn't always make the best decisions.