News Ticker: April 8

Joel Osteen may need a come to Jesus, Lee Leffingwell may want to reschedule, and Rand Paul may never shut up. Speculation is on the News Ticker.

• Tomorrow might not be the best day for Lee Leffingwell to generate buzz about a new citywide service initiative.

• Local fifth grader Chinmay Murthy would have ruled on Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?.

• After a review of the DNA evidence, Willie Griffin was today charged for the 2011 murder of Elizabeth Sara Escobar.

• Today the House elections committee will begin debating Rep. Patricia Harless' HB 2093, which seeks to limit early voting to days that do not end in "y."

• School choice superfans are a little like those trick candles that keep reigniting whenever you blow them out. Then there's wax all over your birthday cake and the whole party is ruined. Thanks a lot, Dan Patrick!

• Never one to miss the opportunity to see his name in Times New Roman, Ted Cruz has issued a statement about the passing of Margaret Thatcher. Next, expect Cruz to comment on the escalating tensions in Game of Thrones' Winterfell. We're guessing he's a big fan of Joffrey Baratheon.

• Doggone it! The Texas Supreme Court has ruled that the owners of mistakenly euthanized pets cannot seek compensation for sentimental value.

• Among the proposed amenities of Robert Jeffress' new Jesus mall is a musically synchronized fountain. No doubt, once built, visiting speaker Rick Perry will be able to convert whatever is in their water to whine.

• Speaking of miracles, news reports that Houston mega-pastor Joel Osteen has resigned from Christianity may have not been heaven sent.

• Despite all the dispatches from the Twitter hive mind, Cher has confirmed that it really isn't necessary to turn back time.

• In the biopic covering Rand Paul's senatorial career, the lead role will be played by a Magic 8 Ball permanently rigged to say "my reply is no."