The Luv Doc: An Absolute Nightmare

Dear Luv Doc,

I have been with my (live-in) girlfriend for three years. I have known since shortly after we started dating that she gets in dark moods where she is angry about everything and lashes out at people – usually me – and mostly over trivial, ridiculous things. She will call me names, tell me I’m stupid, and say insulting, belittling things to me. When I try to defend myself she accuses me of being argumentative, aggressive, or mean, which is simply not true. She doesn’t just do it to me either. She has lost almost all of her friends because she can’t control her anger – even the friend who introduced us. My friends know to stay clear of her because my strategy has always been to avoid her when she gets like this. It doesn’t always work. Eventually I have to come home from wherever I’m hiding out to avoid her. Sometimes she has calmed down by the time I get back, sometimes she hasn’t. In the last year it has gotten to the point where nearly every time she talks to me she is annoyed or angry. When I am out of the house, I am relieved that I don’t have to deal with her anger and when I am in the house I feel like I am always walking on tiptoes trying to keep her from losing her temper. I know most people would say I should leave her, but at this point I might be the only friend she has left. I know our relationship isn’t ideal, but I do have feelings for her. What can I do that doesn’t end up with us breaking up?

– The East Austin Anger Sponge

I know this may not be what you were intending, but based on what you’ve written, your girlfriend sounds like an absolute nightmare. Why would you subject yourself to this type of behavior? If this was happening to someone you really care about – let’s say your sister’s boyfriend was treating her this way – my guess is that you wouldn’t be nearly as forgiving or tolerant. You would be driving to her place in a van with five of your buddies to perform an involuntary relocation – or maybe that’s just me. Make no mistake about it though, you are in an abusive situation and the absolute best thing you can do for both you and your abuser is to remove yourself from it.

You’re probably thinking right now, “But she doesn’t hit me, she just speaks harshly to me and belittles me. I can take it.” Sure. Of course you can. I’m sure you’re a tough, emotionally stable guy who handles criticism and harassment like a champ. For all I know you’re Quinn Ewers, but just because you have the fortitude to endure constant harassment doesn’t mean it’s your life’s purpose. I myself have a natural talent for manual labor. Give me a shovel, rake, sledgehammer, pickaxe, crosscut saw, push broom ... you name it, if there’s some thankless, Sisyphean task to be done, I’m your man. That said, before you call me to help move you out of your third-story walk-up, make sure we’re blood relatives or you’re paying me handsomely or you can fuck straight off. I got better things to do with my time. Yes, I own a cellphone and yes, it has TikTok.

And look: I get that you probably have really strong feelings for your girlfriend/abuser. You have been with her ... possibly even lived with her ... for three years. That’s like an entire COVID pandemic. That’s like a slowly earned associate’s degree in Abuse Management (do they offer that at ACC?). You have literally given up three precious years of happiness so somebody could work through their mental health issues at your expense. That’s middle school gym class with Mr. Marcusoni – not a healthy, loving relationship. That’s literally Stockholm Syndrome – which is just one of the reasons Stockholm is not on my bucket list.

So, what you can do without breaking up is insist that your girlfriend see a therapist about her anger issues while you take a long sabbatical from physically residing with her. That will allow your cortisol levels to drop sufficiently so that you can think clearly for a while. You might realize that you were in a hideously dysfunctional relationship that you want no part of, or eventually your girlfriend might impress you with her ability to completely change her personality and outlook on life. Truly stranger things have happened, but I wouldn’t bet your happiness on it.