The Luv Doc: Fucking Trump Voters

Not surprisingly, there was no Luv Doc correspondence last week. My guess is that people were dealing with other more important issues ... like figuring out the fastest way to get to New Mexico if for some reason you forget to take your birth control pill, or maybe Googling “Portugal Immigration Requirements.” There were probably a lot of people simply too depressed to get out of bed, much less kvetch about their dating sitch. If you were one of those people, I feel you. That shit was fucked up. I’m sure nearly half of America is still seething with incredulity, thinking, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE OTHER HALF OF AMERICA?!?!? ARE THEY FUCKING STUPID?” Their outrage is understandable, especially since at this point people have probably spent countless hours listening to pundits talk about how the Democrats “failed to connect” with “rural Americans” and “the working poor” on issues like the crime, immigration, gender identity, and inflation. That all sounds totally reasonable, and in fact, in a world where Donald Trump wasn’t on the Republican ticket, that rationalization might have a modicum of validity. However, given the available choices, the only conclusion that can be reasonably drawn from the 2024 election is that more than half of America is 1) racist, 2) sexist, 3) has an intellectual disability, or 4) all of the preceding. Yes, I’m looking at you, Tony Hinchcliffe ... down there trying to sidle up to Matty Mac the Bongo Boy on the UT sideline. Unbelievable.

I’m sure countless sociological studies will be done to try to understand Trump’s renewed ascendance, especially in light of the fact that literally everything he said was an amplified, more senile regurgitation of the nauseating white power propaganda of his 2016 campaign, but it seems that the lesson of knowing how the Nazis became Nazis is lost on people who don’t read. Is tribalism to blame? Yes, surely, and maybe the two-party system is every bit as hopelessly outdated as the Electoral College, but one would think that a grown-ass person of voting age should be able to check those baser instincts and make a sane and rational decision in the nation’s best interest, if not their own.

All that said, I still believe that people are basically good, even when they behave deplorably. You might get momentarily angry at a toddler for shitting himself, but then you remember it’s a toddler. That’s what toddlers do – at least until they become Trump voters and shit all over everyone else. And look, I know you’re probably still thinking, “Man, FUCK Trump and anyone who voted for him.” Well, believe it or not, I think that’s a terrible idea. In fact, here’s my love advice in the light of the 2024 presidential election: STOP Fucking Trump voters. Seriously. In this era of illegalized abortion, misogyny, and beta male chest-thumping, fucking a Trump voter is basically fucking yourself. All you’re doing is risking making more Trump voters, and that is a crime against humanity, so stop it. If you find yourself hitting it off with a dude in a MAGA hat – even if he’s a billionaire with his own boner rocket ... even if he has a popular “comedy” podcast – DO NOT fuck him. Find someone who actually cares about your reproductive rights. Find someone who knows the difference between an egomaniacal asshole and an accomplished, intelligent woman of substance. Have sex with that guy and let all the red pill-swallowing, Trump-loving incels circle-jerk themselves unconscious every night in their World of Warcraft chat rooms.

Now, I know this dating strategy is going to be ridiculously easy for about 99.5% of Chronicle readers, but there is still that remaining 0.5% who are going to find it more of a challenge. Maybe your husband voted for Trump. What? Are you going to stop fucking him for the rest of your life? Well, yes, ideally, but I think you should be willing to allow him a chance to redeem himself in four years if the oligarchy is still allowing elections. Lastly, I know it seems like I’m just picking on men who voted for Trump. I’m not. At least 45% of American women voters chose Trump. Nearly all of them were white (surprise). So fellas, this is on you as well – yes, even if she looks like Megyn Kelly or Candace Owens, even if your dry spell dates back to Clinton. Like Onan in the book of Genesis, it’s better to spill your seed on the ground than to risk the chance of making a baby Trump voter. That might not be exactly what Jesus said, but I’m pretty sure that’s what he meant. Allrighty then, thank you for your time and keep those emails coming!