The Luv Doc: Sketchy PPE

Dear Luv Doc,

I am a man of science and I have been noticing that people are starting to wear masks again. That is fine given the flu season. But what I don't understand is why these people who are obviously wearing the masks to protect themselves from viruses are wearing non-N95 masks, i.e., cloth, etc. These offer no protection against microscopic viruses measured in microns! What really drives me insane is when I see them in their cars wearing masks! It doesn't even make any sense! What should I do to stop letting this drive me nuts?  – The Unmasked

I was going to suggest deep breathing exercises ... but then I remembered your comment about this being flu season ... plus – and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong – I'm pretty sure COVID is spiking too, so suggesting that you should engage in more vigorous respirating seems reckless even if it helps you control your anxiety about people wearing makeshift respiratory protection. Also, saying that cloth and other non-N95 offer no protection at all against microscopic viruses is a bit hyperbolic – sort of like saying if you can't use a condom you shouldn't even try to pull and pray. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, in the bait shack at band camp, you have to improvise. Just because Jesus is playing goalie doesn't mean you should abandon your defense entirely.

Also, there is the fashion angle to consider. Now, I know St. Fauci didn't waste a lot of breath on PPE couture because he was out there trying to save the lives of all the knuckle-dragging barebackers, but there is something to be said for looking your flossiest, even when racked with anxiety about contracting the latest designer respiratory virus. Nobody is going to go viral on Instagram wearing the same Walgreen's white N95 everyone else is wearing. No, to really go viral, you need to take risks – and not just with fashion. That's the essence of the Gospel of St. Fauci. How many times have you been blasting past a reel and thought, "Wait, did I just see a skinny old Russian geezer in a white N95 mask?" unless it was followed by "sticking his head in a bear's mouth?" Now you're back-scrolling because you know that shit could go horribly wrong – just like the invasion of Ukraine. A slightly anorexic runway model rocking a Versace-inspired, beaded, strapless PPE mask is going to turn some heads as well, and probably with an only slightly lower mortality rate than Russian dudes who stick their heads in bears' mouths.

Here's another possibility: Those mask-wearers might simply be British. When it comes to orthodontia, England is pretty much the Arkansas of Europe, albeit with a lot fewer meth labs. So, much in the same way Brexit was a godsend for the European Union, COVID turned out to be a real boon for all the beefeaters with dodgy gnashers. Got a gob full of Chiclets? Slap on an N95 and let your spicy ginger eyebrows work their magic! Better yet, forgo the N95 entirely and opt for a 77-cent pink camo gaiter on Temu with free shipping. At least that way you get your virus up front when you click the link. And look, I know you're probably thinking: "Couldn't all those people wearing sketchy PPE simply be vampires?" Well, yes, but when it comes to people with jacked-up grills sucking the life out of complete strangers for their own benefit, which nation comes to mind first? Hint: It's not Transylvania.

So here's my humble suggestion: Next time you see a possible Brexpatriate/vampire driving around in their porous, shoddily homemade, flossy COVID mask and you feel your mostly science-based condemnation coming to a boil, just think how safe that mask must make them feel. Don't you want everyone to feel safe? Even if safety is just an illusion? I know I do. No skin off my teeth. If you could see them. Under my mask.