The Luv Doc: Questioning AI

Dear Luv Doc,

When I tell Alexa that I don't like Red Hot Chili Peppers, why does she play "relaxing piano music"?

– David

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Anytime someone brings up Red Hot Chili Peppers to me – even in casual conversation – I immediately suspect they are trying to trigger my RHCPPTSD and bait me into some inflammatory statement like, "'Blood Sugar Sex Magik' is America's hate crime on world culture."

I mean, it totally is, but over the last 30-odd years I have softened my rhetorical stance a bit regarding Kiedis and company. I realize that there are probably countless Gen Xers out there who, like me, get a little emotional when "Under the Bridge" plays over the loudspeaker in the H-E-B. For me, it's because I am pretty sure my head is about to explode, and for them it probably triggers some fond memory of the first time they paired knee-length Dickies jorts with a chain wallet and a bare torso … or maybe the time in middle school when they bought their first Red Hot Chili Peppers T-shirt – you know, the one with the puckered anus logo – at the Hot Topic store in the mall. And yes, you can rest assured it's still wadded up in the corner of their dresser drawer, awaiting the next big RHCP tour, which I hear is happening … uh … let me check … yeah … that's right … too soon.

But really, who am I to judge the musical predilections of what is clearly a substantial swath of Americans, albeit ones with deplorable musical taste? There are surely worse musical abominations in American history, although none come to mind at the moment. Plus, the Red Hot Chili Peppers surely helped a lot of suburban white kids burn off some excess energy that might have been channeled into something much scarier and more ominous. Like, I know if a bunch of Red Hot Chili Peppers fans showed up at my backyard barbecue, they would totally wreck the vibe by binge-drinking vodka Red Bulls, wearing tube sock condoms, or doing some embarrassing, shirtless, BMX bike/skater hijinks, but it's not like they would march around in khakis and white polo shirts chanting, "Jews will not replace us," right? Say what you will about RHCP, they don't give off a Proud Boys feel. I'm not saying they're not scary in their own way, but you can't own a Hawaiian shirt if you don't own any shirts at all. See? There. I said something nice.

I think my undeserved generosity is a sure sign that humanity is evolving into a gentler, more loving, less divisive, and possibly even better version of itself. AI on the other hand seems to be showing its dark side before it's even out of the gate. Your Alexa is clearly a petulant Red Hot Chili Peppers fan. Sure, you can blame bad parenting. Coders aren't especially renowned for their social skills, but to be fair, terrible taste is pretty much hardwired into the American aesthetic and correspondingly the interwebs itself, exactly as it should be. While it's true that America is 0.37% New Yorker readers, the other 99.63% are surfing Pornhub, watching "Baby Shark" on YouTube, and Googling Chick-fil-A. Is it any wonder that artificial intelligence is off to a shaky start? You don't have to do a deep dive into the dark web to know there's plenty of disturbing shit on the light web.

People are freaking out because Microsoft's AI-powered Bing search engine is a little bit racist, pervy, and crackpotty all at the same time. It's unsettling – just like the society it gets its information from. It's not like everyone in America thinks the Earth is flat and the Holocaust never happened, but some people clearly do, and maybe the current AI doesn't know they're deplorable. Is it AI's job to be Jesus? Probably not, and really, the last thing the world needs is a know-it-all, church lady AI running the internet. So, at least until the singularity, you're probably going to have to put up with Alexa being a petulant Red Hot Chili Peppers fan. I recommend a less judgmental assessment: Maybe just tell Alexa that the Red Hot Chili Peppers are not your favorite band. Also, thank her for the relaxing piano music. It could have been much, much worse.