The Luv Doc: A Nonconsensual Polyamorous Relationship

Dear Luv Doc,

Recently, I was in a relationship which I broke off due to my boyfriend's ex sexting him. When confronted he minimized it saying it was an art project and that she is feeling sexy in her body and wants to share it with him. He shared that she supports our relationship. I say how is sexting my bf supporting our relationship. By the way she has a bf and earlier last year she was engaged to be married to another man which she no longer is with. I am broken hearted. Confused. And wondering how this ex bf of mine deceived me and seemingly says he loves and cares for me. My gf says these two are dysfunctional and are in a dysfunctional relationship. I am trying to pull my energy back to myself. Yet I am tormented by the past two years of my life with this man and the deception. And somehow through all this I love and care for him after the disrespect and betrayal. I feel disappointed. I feel angry. Somehow I need to find forgiveness. And yet I feel negative emotions around this feeling of being cheated. By the way, he agreed to a monogamous release with me. And yet I feel I was in a nonconsensual polyamorous relationship. He said that his ex wanted an open relationship with him at some point in their relationship which he was open to. Well I could go on and on ... and I'll stop here. How do I find closure, peace, and understanding with all this drama? Letting go is easy to say and harder to do when I fell in love. What is up with the trend of polyamory? And will cheaters always be cheaters? And where are the men who are healthy and honest?

– Broken Hearted Female Soul

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I have googled "monogamous release" several times and as unfathomable as it seems, there were no videos of married people masturbating. Not even on Bing, which I am pretty sure is what people from New Jersey ejaculate when they ejaculate. Then, of course, they go Microsoft. Anyway, that term might actually exist in some remote recess of the dark web, but here at the Chronicle, piloting one of our cinder block-sized (and weighted) Windows 95 desktops into such dangerous digital realms is strictly verboten, so "monogamous release" will for me have to remain a mystery – like why Donald Trump never spray-tans his eye sockets. I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, he's a billionaire but he can't afford permanent makeup? You can probably get that shit at a strip mall in South Florida, but I digress.

Regarding your BF, your GF is right AF. Your boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend are in a dysfunctional relationship. How do you know? Here's how. Both of them included you in a nonconsensual polyamorous relationship. They ... most importantly, he ... did not respect your feelings enough to check in with you about whether or not you were down for some polyamory. Seems like you weren't. My guess is your boyfriend suspected that, but decided his needs (fuck it, let's just call them "desires") were more important than yours. That doesn't sound very loving to me. Well, actually, it does sound loving ... self-loving ... but I am pretty sure that's called "narcissism" and not "monogamous release." The good news is that if you actually do want to be in a polyamorous relationship with this guy, you can still break up with him because he clearly doesn't have a problem getting it on with his exes.

I fully understand that talk is cheap, but if you want closure, peace, and understanding, your best bet is to ditch the drama and move on. I can assure you that while you may be intensely hurting now, a little time and distance will help you see things clearly. I am not saying it's impossible, but statistically your boyfriend is unlikely to change. If you decide to stick with him, just know that the odds are against you – not because polyamory is impossible, but because he already violated your trust, and that is no way to begin any type of relationship. I don't have time or space to address the polyamory trend other than to say hopefully it's a move toward honesty and equality, but I don't have any data to back that up. Maybe it's on the dark web. Will cheaters always be cheaters? Well, when it comes to love I think that blanket declarative statements are dangerous. There are always outliers. Lastly, there are men who are healthy and honest, and they are probably not hanging out with your boyfriend, but they're out there. You just have to be brave enough to find them.