The Luv Doc: Giving Permission

Dear Luv Doc,

My girlfriend moved in with me last August, but it's almost like she doesn't live with me. She is always either at work, at the gym, or going out with her friends. I have tried to tell her before that she is going out with her friends too much and that it is ruining our relationship, but she just says I am being overly dramatic. Whenever I tell her she can't she gets mad and we end up in a big fight. It's gotten so bad where sometimes I am eating dinner alone two or three nights a week. How can I get her to understand that her being gone all the time is ruining our relationship?

– Home Alone

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Man, sometimes it's just really hard to control your woman, right? It's like she has all these thoughts, feelings, interests, and activities that are completely separate from yours. I bet sometimes it seems like she doesn't even take your feelings into consideration at all. You know, like when she gets all mad when you won't give her permission to go out with her friends. Overreacting much? I mean, all you're trying to do is save your relationship and she's acting like you're some sort of prison warden. Wow. That's got to hurt.

Here's the deal dude: Not everyone is a pro-level emotional manipulator right out of the blocks. Some people take years and years honing those skills, and even then that doesn't mean there aren't going to be some hits and misses. Without being too critical, let me just say that while the old "Your freedom and independence are ruining our relationship" gambit is a classic, it's perhaps one that requires a bit more nuance, subtlety, and leverage than most people are able to muster at this point in a relationship. Sounds like ... and I will freely admit I am working with a limited amount of information here ... you might have jumped the gun a bit on having your girlfriend move in.

I get it. You were probably thinking, "Once she moves in we are going to get to spend even more time together! Won't this be great!" And then, of course, like I mentioned earlier, she had her own, separate thoughts on the matter – ones that perhaps she didn't share with you. Maybe she made the assumption that you knew her really well and would be understanding and accepting of her busy lifestyle. When you're really smitten with someone, it's not uncommon to project your thoughts and emotions on them, even and often with no supporting evidence. It happens all the time, so don't feel singled out.

The important thing is to recognize and accept your part in this cognitive disconnect. You have learned that your girlfriend doesn't share your beliefs about what cohabitation should look like. Your response ... and maybe not on every occasion ... seems to have been to try to control the situation by denying her permission to behave as she would normally behave, as if you were her parent rather than her boyfriend. It also seems that when your attempt at control backfired, you tried to salvage it by putting the blame for your unhappiness on her.

At this point, I would say you're lucky she hasn't already moved out. I think probably a lot of people would, given the circumstances. Let's call that a win. You still have a chance at salvaging this deal. Start by a sincere apology for being emotionally manipulative and controlling. That ought to perk up her ears a bit. Then, as clearly as you can, tell her what you had hoped your live-in relationship would be and that you now understand that her hopes might have been different. Ask her if there is any chance you might find some common ground.

Most likely you are going to have to accept your girlfriend for who she is, and completely change your expectations and beliefs, which from where I am sitting seems like a pretty good idea anyway. Then again, if you can clearly articulate what you want out of a live-in relationship without being manipulative or basing your happiness on your girlfriend's behavior, who knows? She might bend your way a bit. One thing is certain: No one wants to live with a prison warden.