The Luv Doc: An Appropriate Amount of Time

Dear Luv Doc,

Since COVID I have been extra cautious about dating. It just so happens that a guy I met online two weeks ago is vaccinated like I am (we both volunteered at different places). We have been out a few times already and I really like him and trust him so Friday night after our date I brought him back to my apartment and we had (safe) sex. I thought it would be OK with my roommate since a) this guy is vaccinated, and b) she was spending the night at her boyfriend's house anyway. I even told her I might be bringing this guy back to the apartment and she just shrugged and said, "OK." Saturday morning she came back to the house to put on her workout clothes and we were sitting on the sofa when she came through the door. She opened the door, saw us, and then slammed it shut and texted me from her car that she couldn't believe I slept with a guy I barely know and that I needed to get him out of the house so she could get her workout clothes. I was mad, but I had him leave anyway and she came in and started giving me a hard time about sleeping with a guy on a first date. I told her it wasn't our first date and she knew it, but she said it doesn't matter. No one should be sleeping with someone they barely know. I feel like I am being slut-shamed and COVID-shamed all at the same time. It's ridiculous. I don't know what I can tell her to make her chill. Do you?

– COVID Slut

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If people only slept with people they know really well, I am fairly sure the human race would be extinct within a few generations. I mean, sure, familiarity can engender feelings of intense trust, intimacy, and bonding, but to paraphrase "The Father of English Literature," Geoffrey Chaucer, "Familiarity breeds contempt." To be fair, English people, royalty excluded, are probably less inbred than a lot of island nations, but given the enmity that exists between geographically cozy regions of the UK, you would think they were all from different planets rather than the other side of a hedge. All in all, Chaucer was pretty much spot on. And don't even get British people started talking about the French, who in my humble estimation are more intelligible than the average English pub-going inebriate. Anyone who has shared a few pints in Stanwell knows they might as well be in South Alabama. In either place, someone will be unnecessarily shitting on the French. Why? Because there is nothing classier in English-speaking countries than shitting on the French.

Sorry. Where were we? Oh yes, your slut shaming roommate. Sounds like she's a little bit jel to me. Sounds like she's wallowing in some shitty pub in Stanwell and you're at a lovely little Parisian bistro that overlooks the Seine. Good for you! Order another bottle of wine and enjoy yourself! After a year of relative celibacy, everyone deserves a nice roll in the hay. It's not like you're having ecstasy-fueled, random night club bathroom stall sex. This isn't the Eighties, and you've clearly given this some thought. Besides, the only difference between first date sex and 1,000th date sex is a condom and an obvious inability to commit.

Perhaps you could ask your roommate what would be a proper amount of time before having sex with someone you're attracted to? Actually, don't. Why? Because her opinions don't apply to your sex life whatsoever. She might be a Bible-thumping Baptist, a burka-wearing Muslim, or a doe-eyed member of a free-loving polyamorist sex cult, it doesn't give her the right to tell you what to do with your body or who you do it with. Personally I have always been a little bit suspicious of grown ass adults who consider chastity to be some sort of moral high ground. What are they saving themselves for? Jesus? The Bhagwan? David Koresh? Maybe one of the Jonas brothers? Why? The first three are dead and the last three are all married. Yes, even mutton chops Kevin. See what I mean? It's all creepy as fuck.

Bottom line: It's fine if your roommate wants to keep her bits unsullied for some arbitrary amount of time; she just needs to remember that's her personal fetish. Nobody else wants to hear about that shit – especially not someone with an active healthy sex life. You go ahead and do you and whoever else you want to do and tell your roommate that she can go fuck herself ... after an appropriate amount of time, of course.