The Luv Doc: A Real A-Hole

Dear Luv Doc,

My girlfriend is a very nice person – so nice that she will go to great lengths to keep other people from getting upset with her. People walk on her all the time. At first, it was one of the things that really attracted me to her, but now it has really gotten to annoy me. In our own relationship, she never really speaks up for herself either. She always says she wants to do whatever it is I want to do, so I end up making all the decisions. She also apologizes all the time for things that really don't need an apology. I know part of it is that she was raised well and is polite, but you don't have to apologize for every little thing you do that you think might upset someone. Maybe they aren't even upset. Maybe they didn't even notice. I am not sure how to bring this up because I would feel like a real a-hole for being annoyed by it, but I don't think being so nice all the time is working in her favor. How do I get her to speak up for herself?

– A. Hole

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First of all, I doubt you're really an a-hole, but there is one sure way to know: Do you own a Lexus? If the answer is yes, there's like a 95% probability. I know it seems childish and irresponsible to make broad, sweeping judgments about character types based solely on what kind of car they drive, but damn it, the empirical evidence is just too overwhelming to ignore. Sure, I might occasionally be dumbfounded by the lumbering incompetence of a Prius driver (and while we're at it, let's just all agree that owning a Prius is basically an open hatred of automobiles and the act of driving itself) or the indecipherable random braking of Subaru Forester owners (do they all have restless leg syndrome?), but you can pretty much be sure that if someone is going to cut across three lanes of traffic to get in the left turn lane, steal a parking space from you at the H-E-B, or nearly swerve into you while looking puzzlingly at a cell phone, it's going to be someone in a Lexus, and that Lexus will probably have a personalized license plate that says "DCK MUV."

So anyway, unless you're paying way too much for a "performance sedan," you're probably not an a-hole. It sounds to me like you're just a caring and concerned boyfriend who will be a strong advocate for his girlfriend's autonomy and self-assertion. It seems a little curious, though, that given your preference for strong, assertive women, you chose someone so obsequious and accommodating. Is it possible that perhaps, deep down, you really like running the show? No need to answer that right away. Besides, this isn't about you, is it? You just want to help your girlfriend be more assertive so you don't have to worry about her getting walked on. Nobody likes getting walked on – unless maybe it's a middle aged man with back problems and a folksy, shade tree understanding of spinal orthopedics.

Here's the thing though: You can't interpret someone else's happiness through the lens of your personal bias. As crazy as it may seem, there actually are nice people who are happy being sweet and accommodating and who don't feel walked on because of it. None of them drive Lexuses (yeah, I am not sure if that is the proper pluralization and I don't fucking care), but they are out there, waving you through at four-way stop signs. Point is, your girlfriend might be happier than a pig in shit, and if so, you need to decide if you can be happy with a nice, accommodating person who is happier than a pig in shit. Of course, the only way you're going to find out if that is the case is by actually talking to her about your concerns. I think it's possible to do that without coming off as an a-hole. The key is, of course, not actually being an a-hole. That means you're going to have to somehow convince her that your concern doesn't come from a sense of embarrassment or pity, but rather a genuine interest in her well-being. It's so rare for an a-hole to exhibit actual empathy she will never guess that you actually are one.