The Luv Doc: He Says He Likes Music

Dear Luv Doc,

At first I didn't want to believe it, but nearly a year into our relationship, I am convinced that my boyfriend doesn't like music. He says he likes music, but every time I turn on the music in the car, or the kitchen when we're cooking or even when we're just hanging out in the backyard, he always tells me to turn it down or turn it off. He usually says it's too distracting or too loud, but I think he just doesn't like music. And it's not because of the music I listen to – I listen to everything – rock, pop, rap, country – it doesn't matter as long as it has a groove and an interesting melody. He just never wants to listen to music. There is never music on when I get into his car. I never catch him jamming out with his earbuds in. He is always listening to some podcast. Whenever I ask him what kind of music he likes, he gives the name of some band from when he was in high school like Green Day or Weezer. I don't think he can name any band that is currently on the radio. When I talk to my friends about it, they think it's weird but no big deal. I'm not sure I agree with them. What kind of psychopath says he likes music but never listens to music? I feel like I am being gaslighted. If he's lying to me about liking music, what else is he lying to me about?

– Player on Mute

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Let me start out by saying that it's OK to not like music. There are plenty of people who get along just fine without listening to music on a regular basis. Some people even actively hate music – Red Hot Chili Peppers fans, for instance. And yet, somehow, they manage to hold down decent enough jobs to afford oversized Billabong shorts, skateboards with tiny wheels, lip piercings, and Walgreens hair dye kits. Who said a life unexamined isn't a life well lived? Not me. In fact, I like to imagine that there is a whole generation of kids conceived to the heart-rending strains of "Under the Bridge," and that someday soon those shirtless toddlers will be stunting around on their own tiny-wheeled skateboards listening to their own garbage. I have a dream.

I feel for you though. I can't imagine waking up every morning next to the cold, dead, predator eyes of someone who doesn't listen to music. They say there's a lid for every kettle and that even hyenas have mates, but the thought of having to make it through each day without a dope soundtrack is anathema to me. That said, I am not entirely sure that my family doesn't secretly want to murder me because I am incessantly whistling, humming, or outright bellowing songs – often songs I don't even like. Once I even caught myself humming "Under the Bridge" under my breath, and let me tell you: I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day.

There was a time when, a little bit ironically, I had "Eye of the Tiger" as my alarm clock wake up song. To say I am not a morning person is a gross understatement, but having those nine intro power chords jolt you out of a blissful slumber at high volume is something close to a religious experience. If you don't go into acute cardiac arrest, the rest of your day is going to be amazing.

I recommend that shit to everyone: nuns, Buddhist monks, sexy librarians, and people without souls ... like Ted Cruz or Dan Patrick. Seriously. There's a remote possibility that Ted Cruz and Dan Patrick actually enjoy music. It's equally possible both of them have matching Nickelback tramp stamps.

If the fact that your boyfriend never listens to music is really getting to you, I'd say it's time you had a talk. Just sit down across from him, hold his hands, look into his cold, dead, predator eyes and tell him that music means a lot to you and you're concerned that he doesn't want to share something you enjoy so much. Maybe have Eminem's "Lose Yourself" cued up and jam that shit at top volume to emphasize your point. If he isn't jumping up and down and singing the echo "go" by the second chorus, start packing your shit. It wasn't meant to be...