The Luv Doc: He Doesn't Fish

Dear Luv Doc,

My wife and her sister are really close and have been all their lives. They used to call each other two or three times a week and did so for years until her sister's husband got a job at a company in Round Rock and they moved here. Now my sister-in-law and her husband are only 15 minutes away, and they are at our house several times a week. Here's the problem: My brother-in-law is a huge douche; I don't know how my sister-in-law tolerates him. He always bosses her around. He smokes cigars. He tells racist and sexist jokes. He talks over everyone, and ... the worst part ... he's a hardcore Trump supporter who regularly wears his MAGA hat – with his vented fishing shirt and Crocs. Oh, and he doesn't fish. All he does is sit around my house drinking Fireball and annoying the crap out of me. I love my wife and I want her to see her sister, but I just can't be around this guy. What should I do?

– Libtard Brother-in-Law

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First of all, relax, Libtard. Your brother-in-law probably hates you too. He probably pulls up to your house in his huge diesel-powered dually, sees your Prius in the driveway, and dreads the thought of having to pretend he likes super-hoppy beer and steamed salmon served on a bed of quinoa. And no. He will never get Portlandia. Not ever.

My bet is that the only way he can suffer through an evening with you is to hammer down a bunch of cinnamon whiskey, power-smoke an El Producto spliff, and tell a bunch of jokes he knows will get your panties in a wad. In fact, I bet your discomfort with his behavior is his sole entertainment for the evening. If he wasn't trying to make his wife happy, he would probably be sport-hunting feral hogs out of a helicopter with an illegally modified AR-15. In other words, bro (in law), the feeling is mutual.

All that said, there is no legitimate excuse for racism, sexism, or supporting our demonstrably imbecilic president – not even for entertainment value. A few days ago he suggested using nuclear weapons to stop hurricanes, which is unimpeachable proof that he has the sophistication and intellect of a toddler. Anyone who still openly supports the president after the embarrassing idiocy of the last two and a half years is just being an asshole. In this case, an asshole who is trying to get a rise out of his brother-in-law. After all, it's much easier to pretend to be stupid than it is to pretend to be intelligent.

Credit to you for being a good husband and trying to keep your wife happy, but don't do it by completely sacrificing your morals. Sure, let your brother-in-law smoke his cigars (out in the driveway) and drink his ass-flavored liquor, but call him out on his racism, sexism, boorishness, and, of course, his completely inexcusable support of the president. You, being an intelligent sensitive fellow, can surely find a diplomatic way to do this, and if you can't, well, at least your wife will get to experience the intensity of your discomfort and help you work to find an agreeable solution. Just remember: In this one case, silence equals consent.