The Luv Doc: Insufferable Narcissists

Dear Luv Doc,
My best friend had a baby two months ago, and now it’s all she ever talks about. At first I tried to be supportive, but now I feel like it’s affecting our friendship. What should I do?
- Ann-oyed

That’s a tough one, Ann. Parents are insufferable narcissists. Just the act of procreative sex is an undertaking of considerable hubris. Yes, God said, “Go forth and multiply,” but he said it to Adam and Eve who, if you trust artist renderings, are pretty fucking hot – even the pudgy Renaissance versions. He also said it to Noah and his sons after he wiped out mankind with a cataclysmic flood. They weren’t all that pretty, but He was in a bind. Regardless, when it comes to multiplying, everyone except Adam, Eve, Noah, Ham, Shem, and Japheth is off the hook and has been for several thousand years. Yay! Pills and condoms for everyone! No more need to look in the mirror and think, “I have to fuck up a whole new generation of that?” Even still, there will be those who stare into the pool of Narcissus and decide that, for instance, the Donald’s hair isn’t too bad or that their daughter will be so pretty they can name her “Rumer.” Whoopsy! It only stands to reason that if you make it to childbearing age without offing yourself, you have a fair amount of self-esteem – either that or you’re too stupid to tie a basic slipknot. What are you going to do? People generally love themselves, and they really love themselves in miniature. Worse yet, they love yammering about the miniature versions of themselves incessantly, even when there’s more important shit to talk about – like whether your forehead is too big or if you should get breast implants. Yes, it’s important to be open and honest with your friends, but in this instance, it’s much, much better to lie. Even if you sincerely try to explain to your friend that there is nothing remarkable about making a baby since obviously billions of people have done it successfully, she is still going to claim it’s a miracle. Yeah, right. So is taking a crap, but that doesn’t mean you have to gush and coo about it. Well, actually you do. You will never convince your friend that her spawn is nothing special. You will just have to let it grow up and prove you right. That, however, is a satisfaction you will have to keep to yourself … unless you want to lose your friend. Besides, your friendship is too strong to let a miracle come between the two of you, right?