After a Fashion

Illustration By Terri Lord

GAY BRIDE PARADE I wish I'd written it, but I didn't. I came across it on the Internet -- sans byline, naturally. But it's too funny to pass up, so if you are the author, let me know. In the meantime, prepare to howl.

Now that Canadian gay marriages have been legalized, here are the new rules:

1) On the day of a gay wedding, it's bad luck for the two grooms to see each other at the gym.

2) Superstition suggests that, for good luck, the couple should have: something bold, something flirty, something trashy, something dirty.

3) It's customary, at gay and lesbian nuptials, for the parents to have an open bar during the entire ceremony.

4) Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from eating any of the wedding cake because it's all carbs and sugar.

5) It's considered bad luck for either of the grooms to have dated the priest.

6) During the first dance, it's considered unlucky to use glow sticks, flags, whistles, or handheld lasers.

7) For good luck at the union of a drag queen, the bouquet is always thrown in the face of a hated rival.

8) The reception hall must have a disco ball and at least one go-go dancer.

9) The wedding singer is not allowed to play/sing "Let's Hear It for the Boy," "It's Raining Men," or "I Will Survive."

10) The father of the Bottom has to pay for everything.

ALL BABS, ALL THE TIME I'm guessing you haven't been to www.barbrastreisand.com, or if you have, you're too embarrassed to tell anyone about it. It is truly Babs' forum to present herself as she sees herself, as well as to defend herself from the slander and libel she must endure. I'm particularly intrigued by a column called the Truth Alert, in which point-by-point rebuttals to alleged lies about her are posted, asking the really tough questions like, "How low will Republicans stoop to try to stifle the voice of singer, director, actress, activist Barbra Streisand?" The column starts with the sentence, "If ... sometime within the last seven days a falsehood has been written in print, spoken on radio, or aired on television about Ms. Streisand ... the 'Truth Alert' will contain a statement made by Ms. Streisand and/or her representatives to correct that falsehood." That kinda sets the tone, doesn't it? Be sure, of course, to visit the Truth Archive for a more complete history of the slings and arrows aimed at poor Babs.

LIFE'S LESSONS "I wore trousers every day last week in honor of Katharine Hepburn's passing," said my friend Gail. Said I, "I totally understand. I sweated for three days in a row to commemorate Barry White's passing." But I have no idea what we will do to commemorate Buddy Ebsen's passing. Maybe eat some opossum and swim in the cee-ment pond. In fact, I'd probably not mention his passing at all except for a headline I saw that stopped me cold: "Hepburn and Ebsen, Icons, Dead." OK, we have to talk about the word "icon." Recently, you and I had a discussion about the word "diva." Remember what we learned? That Maria Callas was a diva, and Beyoncé Knowles is not. "Diva" has been dumbed down to include anyone with hair extensions of any kind. Along those same lines, Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary defines the word icon as "an object of uncritical devotion." Katharine Hepburn: an object of uncritical devotion? Perhaps. Buddy Ebsen: an object of uncritical devotion? Hmmm. Possibly not. So let's just nip this "icon" business in the bud, shall we? Here are a few guidelines to go by next time you're considering using the word "icon": Even in death, Judy Garland is an icon. As long as she will live, Shania Twain will not be an icon. Princess Diana was and will always be an icon. Paris Hilton, to put it politely, is not and will never be an icon. Just a gentle reminder to stay vigilant against the mounting tide of sloth in our language and our lives ...