After a Fashion

BEDTIME STORIES PT. 2 In my continuing travails of being bedridden, this week I offer home decorating tips for the patient on medication, as well as delirious personal musings. The phone book has been my friend lately -- for the times I can manage to sit at my desk, I keep the Yellow Pages under my feet. It seems to help by taking some of the strain off my back, and allows me to sit there for more than two or three minutes at a time. In fact, now that new phone books have arrived, I keep my feet up on two sets of Yellow Pages. But, somehow, this stack of phone books on the floor under my desk seemed unsightly, even if it was functional, and I decided to investigate making a cover of some sort. I kept thinking of maybe some elasticized affair that fit over the books like a slipcover. And then I was thinking, since it's on the floor, and I'm putting my feet on it, maybe I wanted some sort of soft fuzzy fabric, like fleece, or even fake fur.

Excuse me? Making a cover for my phone books? I must have been possessed, like a deranged Martha Stewart, but indeed, I found myself kneeling down to the phone books to measure them (picking them up to measure them would have been a far more arduous task).

That's when I saw it: the ad on the back of the new Yellow Pages for Baker, Brown and Dixon, Personal Injury Attorneys. Now, it's true, lately I have considered the need to contact an attorney about my situation, but that's not what stopped me cold in my tracks. It's the picture accompanying the ad that that stunned me. You see, previous to my injury, I kept the Yellow Pages on my desk, for quick reference. I use it often, but even more than that, for a good long while, the book lay on my desk with its back cover facing up. On the back was a Baker, Brown and Dixon ad with a photo. Over a period of time, I found that I studied this photo -- a lovely and prosperous-looking white family superimposed over what looks like the Hall of Justice -- a lot. I presumed it was a photo of one of the attorneys and his family to let us know that they were really nice people and we should not be afraid to call them. But, as any attorney will tell you, appearances aren't everything. Upon reading the very small print at the bottom of the ad, I learned that this was not only a client family (not the attorney's), but that this seemingly happy, healthy client family was portrayed by actors! And a fine job of acting, they were doing, I said to myself -- somewhat disappointed, because I knew that if there ever came a time that I needed a personal injury lawyer, that I could walk into the offices of Baker, Brown and Dixon, and I'd be able to recognize one of them from the photo, just like an old friend. Sort of. But it was good to see that this client family was happy; obviously they got a good settlement, and that was reassuring.

Then the new phone books came, and sure enough, our friendly client family was once again splashed across the back cover. But there was a difference: Mr. Client was not the same. Mrs. Client had obviously traded in Mr. Client for a newer model. Everything about the photo was the same, but just like when they switched Darrins on Bewitched or Beckys on Roseanne, all of a sudden, someone was different, but no one ever mentioned it. I hoped everything was all right with Mr. Client; he always seemed so nice. But, so did the new Mr. Client, and if he made Mrs. Client happy, then that was good enough for me. I hoped the kids were getting along with him, and that they would all have a happy new life together. With that kind of warm sentiment, I knew I'd call those attorneys if the need arose, and found myself wondering who Mrs. Client would be hooked up with on next year's phone book.

After realizing how much time I'd spent worrying about this fictitious client family, I knew that I was surely going stir crazy cooped up in here, and that the dementia I was experiencing had more to do with lack of human contact than any medication I was taking. Needless to say, I have not made slipcovers for my phonebooks.

Yet. Give me a few more weeks of this ... but I'll try and spare you the gruesome details.