After a Fashion

TRUE CONFESSIONS Seeing the photo of Divine that accompanied Marge Baumgarten's interview with John Waters in the Chronicle last week unleashed a flood of memories. In the summer of 1979 (shockingly, 20 years ago), I had the opportunity to work on costumes for Divine's stage show The Neon Woman. I thought I was a lot more skilled than I actually was at the time and felt sure I could handle the challenge of dressing a 400 lb. beachball in Spring-a-Lators. Wrong. After helping "Divi" sweat and squeeze into her prosthetic undergarment, she put on her stilettos and we were ready to drape a dress on her. Except the heels made her a bit unsteady and it was necessary for her to either lean against a wall to stand up, or make me fit the dress on my knees so she could plant both her hands on top of my head for balance. I then proceeded to prove that I knew very little about dressmaking and my charade ended very quickly. She had little to say to me or the make-up artist. When she was ready to have her face applied, she'd sit down, throw her head back and promptly go to sleep, emitting gravelly snores. Because of the heat from the lights, and Divi's propensity to sweat, it was necessary to "set" her make-up with several coats of hairspray over her face. When new wigs were purchased for her, the hairdresser and I soaked them in a tub with paint thinner. The idea is that by damaging the fiber, you can rat the wig to enormous proportions and create cloud-like hairdos. (Note to hairdressers: Do not try this on your clients.) Watching that foul creature come alive every night was a highlight of my career.

THE RANT Okay, gentlemen, we have to talk about hair. Austin, being one of the last bastions of hippiedom where men have that "give-me-down-to-there-hair, shoulder length and longer ... " has always taken its hair to extremes. But the era in which that was important is long gone. Now it just looks messy. I'm convinced that guys with long hair are avoiding the hairdressing experience.

Here are a few hard and fast rules. 1) If you wear your hair tied back in a ponytail most of the time, cut it off. It's pointless. 2) If you wear it long, keep it clean and in good condition, with the ends trimmed. 3) If you think your long hair is hiding a receding hairline or bald spot, it's not. 4) Comb-overs of any variety are unacceptable. 5) If you have a receding hairline or bald spot, get over it. If it bothers you that much, get fake hair. Unlike those taped-on rugs of yesteryear, there are incredible methods out there that can give astonishingly natural results. We'll explore those options in a later column ... .

And ladies, it's time to talk about little bellbottoms and big shoes: It's that proportion thing I harped on last week. It doesn't mean that we can't be whimsical on occasion, but it does mean that you must proceed with caution when experimenting with new looks. We have to take responsibility for ourselves and just say "No" to bad outfits. We're hardly slaves to fashion, although being a little slavish to a great big mirror is not a bad thing. Instead of using the mirror as simply a reflection in which to adjust your accessories, use it as a sounding board to get an honest assessment of whether or not you should leave the house wearing those particular earrings.

SEEN, BUT NOT BELIEVED Capri pants worn with cowboy boots. Just imagine the nightmarish proportions of this outfit. I've taken sedatives to help myself through this.

I COVER THE STOREFRONT Few cultures on earth take the pride in their very being that Texans do. For those who can't get enough of Texas just by being here, or for visitors who want to take a piece of the heart of Texas with them, there's Guitars & Cadillacs. With two stores in Austin (Barton Creek Square and Highland malls), a Web site (http://www.guitars-cadillacs.com), and catalog, the place is loaded with all manner of Texas-shaped, Lone-Starred, chili-peppered, bluebonneted, and barbed-wired Texamobilia. From formerly living armadillos made into decorative accessories (the store I visited was out of stock in these items. I began to imagine the process of filling an order: Take a dead armadillo ... ), to pretty cool souvenir T-shirts, to reasonably priced gift packs in Texas-shaped baskets, Guitars & Cadillacs has a fairly serious array of Texas-related merchandise.

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