The Verde Report: Austin FC Is Historically Bad at a Pretty Important Part of Soccer

Verde and Black’s lack of scoring is approaching record levels of terribleness

"...attacking downfall has been painfully simple: They just absolutely suck at shooting. To an all-time degree...."

May 23, 2025 Sports Column by Eric Goodman

Sitting Down With Your Senator

Sarah Eckhardt goes deep on democracy, womanhood, and our era

"...democracy is us, so when we say that government sucks, that it’s at least incompetent, if not corrupt, we’re..."

April 11, 2025 News Feature by Maggie Quinlan

Headlines / Quote of the Week

"...Sucking Up Carbon: Carbon experts speculated at the recent SXSW..."

April 11, 2025 News Feature

Tracking, Vacuuming, and Sinking Carbon at SXSW

Time to save the planet

"...“Yes, we use these giant vacuums,” Dmytrenko said. “They suck ambient air in, filter the carbon dioxide out, and..."

March 7, 2025 News Feature by Brant Bingamon

DOGE Pile

"...the government. If you want to legitimize Musk, or suck up to him, keep this image. Otherwise, change it..."

Feb. 22, 2025 Postmarks

Blink-182 Bring the Banter to “Austin Titty Limits” and More From ACL Fest’s Friday Kickoff

Chris Stapleton twangs and bangs, Leon Bridges grooves

"...for “Pigs Is Pigs,” a song about “how cops suck dick,” and criticized the response of Kamala Harris –..."

Oct. 5, 2024 Music Post by Carys Anderson

ACL Preview: That Mexican OT Mixes Charm and Ferocious Delivery

“Ain’t no Mexican like a Texas Mexican”

"...of you. I’m not good with having bosses. I suck at following rules. So it make me even more..."

Oct. 4, 2024 Music Feature by Cy White

Headlines / Quote of the Week

"...Bitcoin Transactions Suck Power: A report released this week quantified exactly how..."

July 12, 2024 News Feature

Robot Dreams

Dog and Robot find companionship in this lovely and touching Oscar-nominated animated film

"...bleary from playing Pong or some other pleasurable-until-it’s-not time suck. In Robot Dreams’ imagining, it happens to dogs too..."

June 14, 2024 Movie Review by Kimberley Jones

Disannexation Disappointment

"...it's only for the wealthy and everyone else can suck it up. Do better...."

May 21, 2024 Postmarks

Teezo Touchdown, Arny Margret, and More Reviews From Tuesday of SXSW

Standout sets to kick off the big music week

"...– singing, “Everyone’s a critic, and they can fucking suck it,” before settling into “Glenfern” from 2020 comeback Total..."

March 13, 2024 Music Post by Derek Udensi

Convention Center Redevelopment Would Relocate SXSW, Other Festivals for Three Years

Construction is set to begin after SX ’25, end before SX ’29

"...against building new, expensive convention centers is that they suck up a lot of tax money that could be..."

March 15, 2024 News Feature by Austin Sanders

The Luv Doc: Smells Like Gold Bond

Wear something extra sexy ... with a plunging neckline

"...know that marketers are Satan’s minions and can therefore suck a bag of demon dicks. Old people are hep..."

March 8, 2024 Column by The Luv Doc

Madame Web

The Spidey-adjacent Madame Web isn't just bad, it's boring

"...a fender bender – nothing calamitous, just a time suck. An annoyance. A waste...."

Feb. 16, 2024 Movie Review by Kimberley Jones

The Luv Doc: Belief Is Magic

Nobody comes to Jesus because of the rigorous scientific scrutiny of the Christian religion

"...OK, so it might suck that you can't beat West Lake by simply believing,..."

Dec. 22, 2023 Column by The Luv Doc

Free My Free Speech

"...and "free speech" in the same sentence. [“How to Suck as Much as Count Muskula,” News, Oct. 27] If..."

Oct. 29, 2023 Postmarks

How to Suck as Much as Count Muskula

With help from our annual Halloween mask

"...mask. Channeling his seductive vampy energy, you too may suck all manner of things into your maw: bitcoin, antisemites,..."

Oct. 27, 2023 Features Feature by the News Team

Jumping into The Dive With Director Maximilian Erlenwein

How the scuba diving filmmaker navigated filming underwater

"...don't like remakes, and most of the time they suck. But I read the screenplay, and the thing is..."

Aug. 25, 2023 Screens Post by Richard Whittaker

The Luv Doc: An Imbecilic Piece of Legislation

The "good-Barney-Fife-with-a-gun" theory of school safety

"...rid of anyway because of their annoying tendency to suck up tax dollars for useless entitlements like public education...."

Aug. 18, 2023 Column by The Luv Doc

The Luv Doc: Hard No

It's OK that you're not into Barbies

"...overturned Roe v. Wade like the punkassed conservative toadie suck-ups we've always known them to be...."

Aug. 11, 2023 Column by The Luv Doc

How Much of the Colorado Should We Leave Up to Elon Musk’s Discretion?

Tesla uses a massive amount of water while the Boring Co. attempts to dump its wastewater into the river

"...vehicle industry enough to offset his local ecological footprint? Sucking Up the River..."

Aug. 11, 2023 News Feature by Lina Fisher

The Trans Artists Powering Austin’s Alternative Nightlife Scene

After a brutal legislative session, local underground music may “never be the same again”

"...unaware of how much more this states scene will suck if a majority of the transsexuals in it are..."

June 23, 2023 Music Feature by Genevieve Wood

Oblivion Access Interview: SPIRIT OF THE BEEHIVE

Philly trio's sound "comes from a deep well of confusion and fear"

"...Even barring its crude title, penultimate track "I Suck the Devil's Cock" raises eyebrows in a voyage through..."

June 9, 2023 Music Feature by Wayne Lim

Sanctuary

Deliciously perverse battle of the sexes plays with lust and power

"...and Qualley – both identifiably horny and human – suck every drip of pleasure out of Micah Bloomberg's script...."

June 2, 2023 Movie Review by Richard Whittaker

Free Will Astrology

Your weekly horoscope, May 5-11

"...she could walk on water, summon clairvoyant visions, safely suck the poison out of a snake's jowls, and cast..."

May 5, 2023 Column by Rob Brezsny

The Joy of Bicycling in Austin

A one-person sociological study of springtime biking where every ride is his favorite

"...traffic where neither is available – that will still suck to bike on, right?..."

April 21, 2023 Arts Feature by Kevin Curtin

Fancy New Foxtrot Opens, Jo’s Celebrates the Austin Marathon, Olamaie Offers a Southern Exposure, Austin Craft Beers Win a Mess o’ Medals, and More

All the news that’s fit to get your taste buds quivering

"...And, on Sunday, with the weather continuing to not suck? Our city’s annual marathon – the Ascension Seton Austin..."

Feb. 15, 2023 Food Post by Wayne Alan Brenner

Austin at Large: We’re Deciding How to Decide

Project Connect team, transit stakeholders to see where Austin’s willing to cut back

"...undo the deal voters approved in 2020. That would suck! As the process is outlined by ATP (see chart..."

Dec. 9, 2022 News Column by Mike Clark-Madison

Bones and All

Chalamet and Russell glisten with blood and love in this cannibal road trip

"...come to Bones and All to see sexy Chalamet suck on more peaches had better accept that this time..."

Nov. 18, 2022 Movie Review by Marjorie Baumgarten

Has Round Rock ISD Hit Rock Bottom?

Maybe not yet

"...shitbag you are. While we're at it, Black people suck much more than white people. Want to compare violent..."

Nov. 4, 2022 News Feature by Brant Bingamon

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