The Luv Doc

Dear Luv Doc,
I moved in with my girlfriend a long time ago, after selling my place. I park on the side of the house but have to go around to the front to let myself in. This was okay until I learned that her two previous boyfriends were given keys to the back door and did not ALWAYS have to come and go through the front, so I'm a little jealous. She says that using the front is "more reputable" and we have nothing to hide from the neighbors. Wow, lucky me! I'm respectable at last. I would still like the convenience and comfort afforded to the use of the back door. How do I convince her I deserve the same as everyone else. Or at least the same as the guys she dumped before me?
- Lucky

Well, Lucky, I am going to save us both some embarrassment and assume that your question is not a thinly veiled reference to anal sex. Why? Because we are grownups, Lucky, and this is AMERICA, and we can talk about anal sex without speaking in hushed voices or using obfuscating metaphors. Plus, if you’re trying to sell me or anyone else (including your girlfriend) on anal sex by describing it as more “convenient” and “comfortable,” you are completely out of your fucking gourd. Anal sex is many things, but it is rarely convenient or comfortable. If you’re unconvinced, I suggest you educate yourself by enjoying the comfort and convenience of the passive role in anal sex.

Let’s assume instead that, after too many years of dealing with personals and adult ads and escorts, I have become irretrievably jaded. There must be something to this because I can’t tell you the number of times I have been at a perfectly respectable cocktail party where the conversation turned to some freaky topic like fisting or gerbiling or those Vibram shoes that look like feet. I bet those shoes make you shudder like I do, don’t they?

Anyway, the point is that I don’t know if the conversation turns organically in those directions or whether I subconsciously steer it through the looking glass. I do recognize the fact that there is a huge world out there and that only a relatively small portion of it concerns sex, drug use, or outright depravity. You might belong to that larger portion, and if so, I apologize for the paragraphs above.

As for the backdoor situation with your girlfriend, you should tell her that while you agree you have nothing to hide from the neighbors, you would like to use the back door because it’s the easiest and most sensible entrance for you. She may forbid it, but you really can’t argue since it’s her house. You can either live by her rules or find a new house - ideally one where you can go in any entrance you want.