How to Be a Clown Like Alex “Bozo” Jones With Help From Our Halloween Mask

Cover art by E.W. Beard

"Austin's renowned village idiot." "90% poseur and 110% asshole, which definitely makes him larger than life." Over the past 30 years, we've written plenty about Anderson High School Class of '93 alumnus Alex Jones as he's had his glow-up from Austin Access TV freak to internationally renowned conspiracist. But he's never been on our cover until now, and in the most fitting way possible. Here's what to do:

1) Make sure you have enough cash on you if you're going out. Have your dad Venmo you $987 million just to be safe. (Crypto is fine.) Also, stick some cash in your enormous checkered shoes.

2) Gotta get your pep! Dose up on Super Male Vitality – Natural Stamina, Endurance & Strength Booster – Vegan, Non-GMO & Gluten Free Liquid Drops. Surely you've stocked up? Wouldn't want anyone to think you're anything short of 100% man.

3) Pause! Do you smell smoke? Is there a burning sensation about your enormous, hamlike ass? Pour a bottle of Survival Shield X-2 – Nascent Iodine on your pants to put out fire.

4) Grab a fresh copy of The Austin Chronicle. It's available wherever you get your Humvee clown car detailed.

5) You're going to want to record this for the socials, so make some room by uploading the entire contents of your cellphone to bit.ly/ForSafeKeeping. Trust us, this is a really important step. Leave nothing out!

6) Find scissors. Yeah, it is weird that someone keeps replacing yours with the rounded ones little kids use. It's OK; they'll still work.

7) Cut the mask out of the cover. If you can't focus long enough to cut out the eyeholes, you can just stab at them. Attach it to your head with a bungee cord.

8) Look at yourself in the mirror and try to get Joker-fied like the scary gangster clown you want to be, but you can't because you're not scary, you're just the sad, silly clown you've always been.

The Austin Chronicle Halloween Mask cover is an annual tradition. Find our gallery of masks from the past four decades at austinchronicle.com/photos.