Concluding that the child bride referred to in court documents as Jane Doe No. 4, “expressed her disdain, reluctance, opposition and total dislike of sexual relations,” Utah District Judge James Shumate ruled Dec. 14 that Warren Jeffs, the “prophet” leader of the polygamist Mormon breakaway sect the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, will stand trial on charges of rape-as-accomplice. Jeffs, 51, is accused of abetting rape by arranging and presiding over the 2001 “spiritual marriage” of Doe, then 14, and her 19-year-old first cousin.

Today's article in the Times about an American contractor, Donald Vance, swept up during a raid in Iraq, is breathtaking in its nightmarishness. To call the legal system Kafkaesque is to diminish it almost entirely:

"At the hearings, a woman and two men wearing Army uniforms but no name tags or rank designations sat a table with two stacks of documents. One was about an inch thick, and the men were allowed to see some papers from that stack. The other pile was much thicker, but they were told that this pile was evidence only the board could see."

And this was an American detained over there. So is Mohammad Munaf, who was tried, convicted, and sentenced to death by an Iraqi court. How is that even possible?

As a boon to all you last-minute shoppers, the Chronicle's crack team of reporters is assembling a holiday gift guide this week. Here's a quick preview for you procrastinators.

NewsMax Top 8 Bestselling Christmas Gifts:

Winger "news" Web site NewsMax declares victory in the War on Christmas with these thoughtless, ahem, thoughtful gifts. Get inspired by The Duke via "John Wayne: America, Why I Love Her," or listen in for signs of the Rapture on your Emergency World Band Radio.

Rummy's Forget Me (Not!) T-Shirt:

The curtains closed on Donald Rumsfeld's career last week, not a moment too soon. Here's a timely gift that fits the season to a T. Dreaming of a cathartic Christmas? Blaze the hike-and-bike trail in this little number and your endorphins will perk up faster than you can say "I don't do quaqmires." Rumsfeld Who? indeed. Fine this and other Rummy gems at CafrePress.com (search under Donald Rumsfeld).

Anything But Tofu and Soymilk:

Because as we all know, it makes you Teh Gay!

On Dec. 14, the Chronicle got word from Austin political consultant Mike Blizzard, who has stepped up to do some pro bono public relations consulting for Bexar Co. primate sanctuary Primarily Primates, Inc., that famed “Humanzee” Oliver, the chimpanzee cover boy for our feature on the battle over animal welfare at PPI, has moved into a new, larger enclosure at the 75-acre sanctuary. (See, “Famous Long Ago,” in this week’s issue.) It’s “really good news,” Blizzard said, and everyone at PPI is “really stoked about Oliver” being moved into an enclosure that Blizzard says is 10 times the size of his former home, a small red metal circus transport cage not much larger than a closet. In a phone message, Blizzard reported that Oliver is “very happy” with his new digs. By Thursday afternoon, he said, Oliver was kicking back and taking a nap – he’s “very tired,” Blizzard said, “because he’s been walking around” his new enclosure.

With domestic production valued (conservatively) at just more than $35 billion, marijuana is the largest cash crop in the U.S. – worth more than the nation’s corn and wheat crops, which, combined, are valued at just more than $30 billion, according to a new report by Jon B. Gettman, a public policy and economic development consultant, posted to the nonprofit information site DrugScience.org. According to Gettman – a former national director of NORML, who started the Drug Science Web site to disseminate scientific information about marijuana and to publicize a petition seeking to reschedule marijuana within the Controlled Substances Act – there were some 67 million pot plants grown in the U.S. in 2006, making pot the top cash crop in 12 states.

Responsible Growth for Northcross isn't feeling Council's decision not to give Wal-Mart the boot. Their press release:

"Statement from Responsible Growth for Northcross regarding Austin City Council's Inaction on the Northcross Development:

Responsible Growth for Northcross (RG4N) is dismayed that the Austin City Council did not revoke or suspend Lincoln Property Company¹s illegally approved site plan. This inaction ignores the overwhelming evidence that Lincoln grossly understated the likely traffic impact of the development, was deficient in notification of citizens, and conducted deceptive filing practices. Furthermore, the Council is disregarding the voices of more than 3,600
petitioners (and hundreds more that contacted the Council individually) demanding action.

We appreciate the Council's commitment to hold Lincoln Property Company to no action whatsoever on the Northcross project for 60 days. We also appreciate the Council's commitment to prohibit 24-hour operation at Northcross as is currently planned.

RG4N is prepared to aggressively pursue all necessary measures to save our neighborhoods and to provide a better vision for redevelopment at Northcross Mall. Our goal is a meaningful partnership with Lincoln Property Company to develop a new site plan that ensures quality of life in our neighborhoods."

UPDATE: RG4N retracted the above statement, issuing a practically identical one that makes some small, but (legally?) important changes. Its second paragraph now reads, "This inaction ignores the mounting evidence indicating that Lincoln may have grossly understated the traffic impact of the development, that the city was deficient in notification of citizens, and that the city had no authority to approve the site plan as an administrative site plan without a public hearing. Furthermore, the Council is disregarding the voices of more than 3,600 petitioners (and hundreds more that contacted the Council individually) demanding action."

Dig it: Today's the going-away party for Austin Police Association prez Mike Sheffield. Big Sheff's leaving to join state law lobbyists CLEAT, and show them how he got Austin cops the fattest salaries in the state. His influence will be felt for years to come, especially around budget time.

From the press release:

"You're invited to a retirement celebration in honor of APA President Mike Sheffield.

Friday, December 15, 2006 3:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m in the hospitality room of the Capitol Beverage Company. 10300 Metropolitan in Austin, Texas.

Mike will be retiring after 28+ years of service with the Austin Police Department and over 15 years of service to the Austin Police Association. He has served as the Austin Police Association President for over 8 years.

Cocktail/Refreshments Provided. Presentation to begin at 5:00 p.m."

Gov. Rick Perry has named one of a his favorite Texas Democrats as his new legislative director. State Sen. Ken Armbrister, a Victoria Democrat who spent much of his career bashing Austin's water-quality rules, is retiring from office at the end of this term and joining Perry's staff in January. Armbrister's new job will have him shilling for Perry at the Lege. Perry figures that Armbrister's Democratic ties, however threadbare, will help the governor win bipartisan favor on critical issues. But considering the number of times Armbrister has bailed on his Democratic colleagues, you have to wonder if he has anything left to collect from the old chit jar.

On Channel 6, of course.

Will Wynn is soundchecking. He's rocking a pale blue Austin shirt. Decidedly casual.

"Even though it's only 1,400 square feet, this is a very important project for us," says Wynn. Normally, it takes 214,000 square feet to get noticed, huh?

"Soon will be opening the Ruta Maya coffee house, on the western corner." WTF happened to Austin Java?

OK, he messed up. It's still Austin Java… eventually. God, how long has it been since that thing was supposed to open?

That was Woody Woods on the guitar, ladies and gentleman.

Toby Futrell is on about the "grand experiment" at City Hall. The jokes write themselves, people. "Those eclectic, special, local places" are getting her holidays bucks.

Holy smokes, there's an oversized novelty pair of scissors to physically cut the ribbon with. Must be what Futrell uses to castrate Council.

"It's open, now go shop!"