Good afternoon, sports fans. I just awoke from a nearly weeklong alcohol-induced coma, which I fell into after the St. Louis Cardinals clinched the National League Central. It was in celebration, yes, but it was also in relief. It was a release of sorts. Remember: We don't drink to forget; we drink to ... remember.

But we also drink to expedite the passing-out process so as to escape Godsmack's "I Stand Alone," which some turd at Fox Sports Southwest and/or in the Houston Astros' organization thought was an appropriate choice to accompany a season-ending montage of highlights upon last Sunday's loss to the Atlanta Braves.

DPS will increase patrols Friday and Saturday along I-35 between Austin and Dallas to monitor traffic headed to Dallas for the Texas-Oklahoma football game. Troopers will concentrate on finding aggressive drivers, as well as speeders and drunken drivers on their way to the game or on their way home. They'll also look for people who are not wearing safety belts. Any drivers caught carrying an Oklahoma driver's license will be asked to leave the state immediately.

You already knew that, now Austin's Independence Brewing Co. has put it in a bottle. Run over to Central Market before supplies run out and get a 12-pack of their limited-edition "Oklahoma Suks" brand of beer. It will taste especially sweet while UT runs up the score.

The Next Level, Vince Young's new reality show (airing Wednesdays at 8:30pm on BET), is the worst thing to happen to his career since he got drafted by the Titans. For someone so freakishly talented, Young sure is a dull, average guy off the field, or at least that's how he seems on TV. Most of The Next Level plays like home movies, with Young walking around his hometown of Houston, introducing everybody he's ever met, including (seriously) people he played peewee football with. In case you were wondering, Vince, the third pick of the 2006 draft who carried UT to a national championship, was a freaking awesome peewee ball player.

Tough weekend for the Lady Longhorns: First they completely outplayed a good Oklahoma State team, only to lose, 1-0, on the Cowgirls' only shot on goal of the entire game; then they fumbled away a late two-goal lead and settled for a 3-3 draw with the 3-8 OU Sooners. The OSU game highlighted a persistent problem over the last few seasons: an inability to finish in close games or to turn big advantages in shot count into advantages on the scoreboard. The Horns have outshot every opponent this year except Penn State, often by huge margins. And in their three losses this year, each by a 1-0 count, UT has outshot opponents by a total of 43-14. So what's the solution? Hey, beats me. I don't really understand offenses; I'm more a defense-wins-championships kinda guy. For more soccer news and Euro 2008 Preview ...

The Astros sent an interesting message today, extending skipper Phil Garner's contract through 2008 and cutting pitching coach Jim Hickey loose, despite the general excellence of the pitching staff since Hickey replaced former Longhorn Burt Hooton two years ago. But it does make a certain kind of sense. Hickey, who came up from Round Rock (he and Hooton essentially switched), was a decent pitching coach, but how much coaching Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, and Roy Oswalt need is up for debate. Garner finally coaxed one of those late-season runs the Astros should patent at this point out of his club, although this year it came a game or two too late to get them into the postseason.

No game can stain a Longhorn season deeper, and make those perpetually envious Okies more insufferable, than a Sooner scalping in the Red River Shootout. Mack Brown's hide was in serious jeopardy because of those four straight losses before Vince Young bailed him out big-time last year. It's also worth remembering that Texas' last pre-Ohio State loss was hung on them by the crimson and cream in 2004's 12-0 shutout. It's true: Post-Vince, it's right back to anyone's ballgame, but still one Texas can, and probably should, win. "It's not about who's the best team, it's about who plays best on Saturday" Mack Brown said at his press conference Monday, encouraging words five days before freaking OU weekend.

Watching Marcus Mann and the McCallum Knights run up a 41-0 halftime lead against the Reagan Raiders at Nelson Field last Thursday night, I thought it was going to be a typical weekend of high school football here in Austin. Then on Friday night at House Park, the impossible happened. The Austin High Maroons, after 16 unsuccessful bids, finally stole a win from the Westlake Chaparrals. It’s been 16 years since Westlake has been beaten by another team from AISD (Reagan did it last in 1990). Granted the Chaparrals are still reeling from the forced retirement of star lineman Matt Nader, but the Maroons’ 31-24 victory will nonetheless go down as unforgettable to any Central Texas football fan long since tired of their team being drubbed annually by the Westlake juggernaut.

For more on high school football, the New Orleans Saints, and UT-OU ...

What would the State Fair of Texas be without people stuffing their faces with fried things? The Fourth Annual World Corny Dog Eating Contest commenced on Sunday afternoon during the opening weekend of the fair in Dallas. The sun beat down on 14 brave contestants, many of them competitive-eating-contest veterans. Supplied only with cups of water to drink and a pan of the deep-fried dogs, they had 10 minutes to stuff their maws. Toward the end of the competition the crowd began to chant: "Eat! Eat! Eat!" Tensions ran high as did the probability of imminent spewage. "Nasty" Nathan Biller of Wichita Falls placed first with 12 corn dogs; he also placed in the Lewisville World Tamale Eating Championship last month. Last year's runner-up Brent Ricord placed second with 11. American Idol runner-up Bo Bice was a last minute add, leisurely eating one corn dog. Other heart-smart delicacies at the fair include fried Coca-Cola, barbecue bologna, fried Oreos, and "Donkey Tails" – a hot dog stuffed with cheese, wrapped in a tortilla, and, of course, deep fried.